Can an inanimate object, like a day, be stupid? Technically, probably not. Realistically, absolutely, especially if you’re talking about a day like today.
You know how one small thing can ruin a whole day? Whenever I’m out at a restaurant or holding a door for someone or whatever, I try to smile. I try to speak kind words. Now, a lot of times than not, I probably fail at this, but when I don’t know someone well, I try to be sweeter than my normal self. Mainly because I know that you never know what someone else is going through. I even remember doing my best to be sweet to the poor ultrasound lady that discovered our baby stopped growing. For some reason I’ve been thinking about this a lot the last few days, but I remember thinking how tough it must be for her to have to break that news to someone. And, I remember telling her thank you several times, hoping that even just a glimmer of Jesus could shine through in those horrendous moments.
Yesterday, I had my first dentist appointment in a million years. I was scared to death. Not about the pain, but about everything that they might found wrong with my teeth (which was only one small cavity, praise Jesus!). The dental hygienist and the dentist were so amazingly sweet and made me feel really comfortable. The lady (the hygienist) was so precious. She had no idea that I was in tears, missing my baby on the way to her office. She had no idea that the last month and a half have officially been the hardest of my life. Heck, she never even knew that my current non-pregnant looking body was actually pregnant last month. But, she was so sweet and really put me in a brighter mood.
Now, with moments like those, come the complete opposite. Moments where you are just trying to live your life and get through the day. Today was actually one of my better days. So, tonight I actually styled my hair and put on a cute outfit. Lately, I put on a cute outfit and do my hair to try and help myself pretend that I am doing better than I actually feel. But, tonight I really did feel just that confident.
Then, the awkward comment from someone that probably doesn’t even know I ran into another room to cover up my tears happened…
In my normal state of mind, I probably would have been annoyed at the conversation, but not duck for cover. But, instead, the most unsuspecting comments lately send me into tears over the actual thing or tears that I am not fully “back to normal” yet. I was just telling John the other day how I have never cried this much over something in my whole life. Part of that is probably because I normally don’t cry all that much and the other being that I really am just that sad. And, I feel like I have walked my share of sad times, but nothing quite as bad as this.
In so many different situations, while life buzzes around as normal, I feel like I want to stand up on top of a chair and scream that I’m not okay. I want to scream that even though I dress cute some days or that I make it out to social functions sometimes or that I drag myself to church when bed feels more comfy… I’m not doing all right. Sure, overall, I recognize that I am one blessed woman. Things could be so much more terribly worse than they are; I wholeheartedly know that. And, in some moments, I really am doing good. But, there are definitely moments, usually around other people, where I just feel desperate to explain to everyone that I miss my baby. But, the even more awkward part about all of that is, I don’t actually want to talk to them about it at all.
How weird is all of that? I am not even quite sure that any of it makes sense to my own self, let alone anyone else. I really do feel like I have no control over any of it. I still highly recommend C.S. Lewis’ “A Grief Observed”. In the second to last chapter, he talks about being on the other side of his grief; how he’s never going to be ‘over it’ but that he’s settled into a place of remembrance rather than piercing sadness. Then, at the end of that chapter, he writes about how all of that stuff was from yesterday and today life stinks again. I feel like I could have written that. If I wrote this blog earlier today, it would have been much more positive than this one. But, then tonight happened. Oh well.
And, in closing, I’ll answer the question that I’ve heard from a lot of people :o) I know you guys are wondering, so it’ll be much easier to just answer it here!
What’s in the future? Are you going to go back to school? Or you going to try to conceive? Or what in the world is going on?
As many of you already know, I was supposed to start nursing school at the end of this past August. We found out we were expecting about a week and a half before classes started. Therefore, we decided to not go forward with the schooling at this time because we both wanted me to stay at home with our baybay. Well, obviously things are different now. As of right now, John and I actually discussed in some detail about me going the med school route again. (I was about to take the MCAT when I decided I wanted to stay at home with a family one day instead, then began looking at nursing school). But, we are a no on med school for now and a maybe later for nursing school. I haven’t even looked into when I could go back to nursing school (like, if I would be put on a waiting list again). So, who knows, maybe one day on that! But, not anytime soon.
As for trying to conceive again, my body isn’t even 100% back to normal from the D&C yet. It pretty much is, but not completely. If you read my mind one moment, then read it again a few moments later, it’ll probably be two completely things. I am all over the place about that topic. And, therefore, I am probably not the most rational to make a decision on that quite yet. So, all of that to say, right now as I am typing this, I mourn my first child. I don’t desire for another pregnancy or some other child to ever fill the void of my first baby. That’s all I know for sure right now and that’s all I can tell you with any certainty of the future. Like I’ve said before, this was not just a pregnancy loss for us, this was a loss of our child. Just like we had no idea what the future held the day we found out our baby stopped growing, we have no idea what the future holds now!
We love all of you and thanks for the continued prayers! I could really use them right now, it’s been awfully crazy lately. But, more than anything, I am looking forward to eating like crazy over Thanksgiving break with John’s family :o)