This post isn’t going to be very eloquent or as wordsy as normal. Since we started the adoption process a year and a half ago, I’ve been keeping a running note on my phone of different verses that the Lord has used for different reasons. Of course I haven’t always remembered to add every verse to the note on my phone and it’s just left scribbled in my Bible. BUT, each time we hit a stall or crazy news or whatever, I’ll open the note on my phone and read/pray through the list of verses. I thought it would be neat to share them in case anyone else wants to see and to pray for themselves or for us as we wait for our next hearing on May 9.

Here’s the unedited list of verses!

Adoption verses:

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭13:12‬ ‭

“as it is written, “I have made you the father of many nations”—in the presence of the God in whom he believed, who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭4:7

“No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭4:20-21‬ ‭

“and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭5:4-5‬ ‭

“And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.”
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭1:17‬

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”‭‭ -Philippians‬ ‭1:6‬

“For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.” -Habakkuk‬ ‭2:3‬

“I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,”
‭‭Joel‬ ‭2:25‬a

“When my spirit faints within me, you know my way!” -Psalms‬ ‭142:3‬a

God only gives dying Grace on dying days. Grace transforms to what it is you need when you need it and not a moment before.

“So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand” -Romans 7:21

“If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.” -Romans 8:11

“For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!”” -Romans‬ ‭8:15‬

Romans 8 as a whole. Hope. Peace. NO fear. God conquers.

“Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭13:1‬

“Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭13:8‬ ‭—adoption to be debt free!

“so that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭2:5‬ ‭

“But I have no regrets. I couldn’t be more sure of my ground—the One I’ve trusted in can take care of what he’s trusted me to do right to the end.”
‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭1:12‬ ‭MSG‬‬

“Eat whatever is sold in the meat market without raising any question on the ground of conscience. For “the earth is the Lord’s, and the fullness thereof.” If one of the unbelievers invites you to dinner and you are disposed to go, eat whatever is set before you without raising any question on the ground of conscience.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭10:25-27‬ ‭Food on India trip

“Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind”
‭‭Job‬ ‭38:1‬a

“And Nathan said to David, “Do all that is in your heart, for God is with you.””
‭‭1 Chronicles‬ ‭17:2‬

“Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart” -2 Corinthians 4:1

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.”
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭4:7‬ ‭

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭4:16-18‬

“For we walk by faith, not by sight” -2 Cor 5:7

ONLY BE CAREFUL AND WATCH YOURSELVES CLOSELY SO THAT YOU DO NOT FORGET THE THINGS YOUR EYES HAVE SEEN OR LET THEM FADE FROM YOUR HEART AS LONG AS YOU LIVE. From Deut. 4:1-14

“Now there are also many other things that Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.”
‭‭John‬ ‭21:25‬ ‭ESV

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭1:10‬ ‭

“But when he who had set me apart before I was born, and who called me by his grace,”
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭1:15‬ ‭–He set Luna apart, even before she was born

“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭27:13-14‬

“When Jesus heard these things, he marveled at him, and turning to the crowd that followed him, said, “I tell you, not even in Israel have I found such faith.””
‭‭Luke‬ ‭7:9‬ ‭

“But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.”
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭4:4-7‬ ‭

“And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”
‭‭John‬ ‭9:2-3‬

“Come and see what God has done: he is awesome in his deeds toward the children of man.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭66:5‬ ‭

“And Jesus answered them, “Truly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ it will happen. And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.””
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭21:21-22‬ ‭

“Like the moon it shall be established forever, a faithful witness in the skies.” Selah”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭89:37‬ ‭

“but he raises up the needy out of affliction and makes their families like flocks. The upright see it and are glad, and all wickedness shuts its mouth.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭107:41-42‬ ‭

““I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭121:1-8‬ ‭

“Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel, who alone does wondrous things.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭72:18‬ ‭

““O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you; I will praise your name, for you have done wonderful things, plans formed of old, faithful and sure.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭25:1‬ ‭

“The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but the victory belongs to the Lord.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭21:31‬ ‭

“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.”
‭‭Zephaniah‬ ‭3:17‬ ‭

“Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all.”
‭‭1 Chronicles‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭

“I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God. Bend down and listen as I pray. Show me your unfailing love in wonderful ways. By your mighty power you rescue those who seek refuge from their enemies. Guard me as you would guard your own eyes. Hide me in the shadow of your wings. Protect me from wicked people who attack me, from murderous enemies who surround me.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭17:6-9‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“On that night the king could not sleep. And he gave orders to bring the book of memorable deeds, the chronicles, and they were read before the king.”
‭‭Esther‬ ‭6:1‬ ‭ESV‬‬ –that the judge will not be able to rest until completing our written orders

1 Samuel 16: 14-23 –that God would torture the judge until our written orders are completed. That signing our papers would be like David playing the lyre

“Then David said to the Philistine, “You come to me with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you down and cut off your head. And I will give the dead bodies of the host of the Philistines this day to the birds of the air and to the wild beasts of the earth, that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel, and that all this assembly may know that the Lord saves not with sword and spear. For the battle is the Lord’s, and he will give you into our hand.””
‭‭1 Samuel‬ ‭17:45-47‬ ‭– the battle is the Lord’s!! He gave us a new judge on 5/1 and praying she knows that we come to our adoption case in the name of the Lord of hosts

Maybe it’s because Easter just happened. Or maybe it’s because our adoption has taken another crazy turn. Or could it be from reading my Bible in a new light this year. I’m not sure exactly what it is but I can’t seem to shake this concept of redemption. It’s such a beautiful word and concept. Yet, how often do I miss the small glimpses of redemption that mirror the bigger one to come?

Our family is no stranger to sorrow or the depravity of the world that is our temporary home. Warner’s death was the first time in my life that God seemed to thin the veil between the world and the heavenlies for me. Instead of my usual knee jerk reaction of blaming God or wondering where He was, I was able to recognize Warner’s death for what it was…a symptom of a cursed world. There wasn’t a cosmic genius swirling a crystal ball in Heaven deciding that He didn’t feel like saving me from this pain. The reality was that pain exists and will continue to until the glorious day when Jesus returns. God didn’t create death nor was it a part of His original plan. So, why would I blame the very One that never wanted this to happen in the first place?

Jesus was a man of sorrows (Is. 53:3) and spent time mourning (John 11:35; Mark 7:34). We believe and felt God’s sadness with us over Warner’s death. Since Warner went to be with the Lord over four years ago now, we’ve been able to see small redemptions to point us toward the bigger redemption that is to come one glorious day. Our God is one that cannot cause evil because He is holy. But, He is so great that out of evil’s ashes, He causes beauty to rise. He takes the ugly and redeems it into something beautiful.

We knew when we decided to adopt that we were intentionally walking into a battlefield. Anything that reflects God’s redemption is the exact opposite of what the enemy desires. Jesus is for life and life abundant. The enemy’s aim is to steal, kill and destroy. (John 10:10). We have seen each of these attributes reflected in Luna’s story. And, we run through that filter, we can see who is responsible for what.

Luna had absolutely no choice to end up where she is right now. She sits in an orphanage every day with the same four walls and in borrowed clothes. Her limited toys are not her own and her three meals are the same. The enemy has tried to kill and destroy her life. He is now working to steal more time from her life because he knows we’re coming. We, her family, are coming with a small reflection of God’s big redemption. We are coming to pursue her heart and to do all we can to make sure she has an abundant life within our family.

The fact that Luna is in an orphanage at all shows the depravity of the world. The fact that she has no Mama to rock her at night already cancels out any of what God’s perfect plan would have been, had the fall of man never occurred. But, unfortunately, the world is broken and children all around the world go to bed at night not knowing if they’re loved.

So, we pray for God to send His warring angels to protect our Luna and the rest of our family in this season. We pray for God to chain the judge on our case to not be able to rest until he accomplishes God’s command of signing our written court orders. We can’t expect a judge, who doesn’t know the Lord, to have any sense of urgency for orphans or a sensitivity of his own to the will of God. Instead, we expect the enemy to use what he can to steal more time from Luna. So, we pray down the battle. That God would go before, behind and hem our family in. That just like with the Israelites, He would go before and win the victory.

The victory of any completed adoption to a God honoring family is an absolute miracle. And, it’s a small reflection of God’s great redemption to come. Did God cause the evil in need of redemption? No. But, in His great goodness, does He pick up the pieces and make something glorious? Yes. And, so, we pray to the God of great redemption to redeem the story of our adoption to His glory. And, we ask that you pray with us as we walk

I’m the worst blogger in the world. But, I find myself drawn to blogging in the moments or seasons where it best helps me to process life. And, I’ve found myself in a moment where typing out words is cathartic in a way that nothing else can lend.

We are still chugging along in our adoption process and are fighting for the sweetest little girl that is in no doubt our daughter. I can honestly say that the love I’ve had for each of my other babies as they grew in my womb is the same love I have for our Luna while we sign papers and check emails. Even when the adoption process has gotten hard (and it has), I’ve always known in my heart that this is our daughter. She is worth the fight. The hard. Just like any of our other babies, she is worth every single smidgen of the cost.

Over the last several weeks, we’ve found ourselves in a bit of a snag. A step of the process that is really a bit of a “non step”, has become wearisome, confusing, and in the words of our case worker– just bizarre. I wake up all hours of the night checking my email for any new information unveiling great news. But, then it doesn’t come. Sometimes leading to more bizarre information or just a discouraging funky start to the day.

I find myself in the same routine every day these days. Checking emails furiously. Firing off more emails furiously. Exchanging information with our case worker, whom we adore, and try to come up with our next idea. We have other friends that have been in a very similar battle. Some have won it and others still fight. This has only been our life for a few weeks and could go in a positive direction at any moment. But, I look at friends that weep, cry out to God, rally troops to lobby on their behalf and have been at it for months. Or others that battled for years only to have the victory half won with the next round of battles upcoming. The Lord has given me such a small glimpse into their burden and I am humbled.

What would you do for your child? What if you physically could not get to your child and had to wait on things that don’t make logical sense? I know the questions seem odd. But, really stop and think about those questions. Soak them in. Your very own child. Quite honestly, stuck in a system. And, while you battle and fight and strategize and fast and pray, your child waits another day. Just one more day would seem like too much to picture your life without your child.

We are in such a fallen and broken world. Adoption is even something that is a need in the first place. In a perfect world, adoption wouldn’t even be needed. Orphanages wouldn’t exist. Children wouldn’t sleep in a bed wondering if they’ll ever have a family of their own. And, children that now DO have a family wouldn’t spend any extra days without them.

While the Lord is completely in control, He changes time and seasons, He sets up kings and removes them (Daniel 2), we still find ourselves in a broken world with a battle that isn’t against flesh and blood. (Ephesians 6) Quite frankly, adoption is such a beautiful picture of God’s adoption of us. And, there is an enemy that has come to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10a). We know that this delay in our process is not a moment where we just sit back with no action and trust it will just all work out. While the enemy may have come to destroy, we trust in a God that has not only given life but given it abundantly (John 10:10b).

Therefore, we fight against the red tape, we pray, and we ask God to take our efforts in multiply it into much. He is a God that makes much of our little. So, we ask that He takes our little– all of the emails, the phone calls, the prayers, the plans of action– and multiples it into the big.

That if we really stopped to think about it, wouldn’t it be safe to wonder if God’s timing for adoption is always immediate? Like His timing for our adoption in Him? There may be a wait involved, but wasn’t God’s heart for us to turn to Him as immediately as possible? I can’t help but believe that this ache for our daughter, on the other side of the world, in some small way, mimics His ache for us. I can’t help but believe that He has fought for us from day one. And, that the fight for our Luna is holy and a small reflection of the fight He made for us.

Lord Jesus, bring her home like You’ve brought us to Yourself

One of the other major things we discussed with our social worker was grief in adoption. And, many questions on how John and I handle grief and loss. It’s so amazing to sit back and think how God has created the timing for our adoption. Because while we’ve discussed adoption for years, it never seemed to be the right time until now. And, I believe that one of the reasons is because our views on grief and loss would’ve been much more naive a few years ago than they are now.

One of the very first things I knew I had to do after losing Warner was to allow myself to feel any emotion at any time. If I was sad, it’s okay. If I was mad, it’s okay. If I was confused, it’s okay. If I was joyful, it’s okay. And, I made the commitment early on that I was going to fully feel whatever the emotion was at the time and to find appropriate responses to my feelings. It was one of the best things the Lord led me to do in the days, weeks, months, and years following his loss.

And, I am amazed to think how much preparation was happening for the future of our family even then. Even the name and concept of this blog, Joy in the Sorrow–how joy and sorrow can intermingle in a way that only God can make it, has overwhelmed me to think that it has all brought us to these holy moments. We serve a God that was a man of sorrows on this earth. How comforting is that? He was not immune to sorrow but yet He leaned into it. And, because He did, great redemption was made for all mankind. Just imagine if we were all Christians that actually stepped into the pain? There’s much to be gained from allowing pain, grief, and loss to have its place.

One thing I’ve come to notice with the walk of Warner’s grief is that it takes on new forms in different seasons. For example, when Jedidiah was born, there was a new wave of grief. Grief, pain, and loss ebbs and flows and takes on different forms at different times. If that’s not all a small preparation for our precious new little one that will be entering all kinds of transitions over the years while coping with their story, I don’t know what is.

It was such a precious time with the social worker to discuss Warner’s life and loss, our opinions on the pain of grief, and how there’s absolutely no shame in receiving help when you need it. I am a huge proponent of counseling and it was so lovely to hear from a social worker encouraging that if at any point we feel we need the extra help or our child does, we should pursue it. Just a few years ago I may have agreed with those statements but not down to my core like I do now.

If you or someone close to you is struggling through pain, grief, or loss, emotions are good. Talking is good. Support is good. Isolation is never helpful. Seek out the help of family, friends, counsellors, books or whatever is available to best meet your needs. Shoving down the emotion or pain never works out and it tends to become something greater that you never intended. Don’t be afraid to lean in to the pain. The redemption and healing that comes is well worth the work

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.”
‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:1-8‬ 

Just the other day we had our first visit with the social worker for our home study. She is already a precious answer to prayer and really feel like we have a great resource in her. Most of our visit consisted of questions about John and I’s marriage, our parenting techniques, our preparation for cultural differences, and training segments from our social worker. It was a great experience and next week will be our last visit when she can begin to write her home study report. We’re so excited at the progress!

One of the things that struck me in all that was said over our 2.5 hour visit (which included a tour of our home), was about our child’s birth family. Our social worker said that as our child grows and the questions begin about their birth family, the most important thing we can do is to emphasize life and not to focus on any negative. “Your mother chose life. That’s important. She cared for you enough to choose life.”

One of the most surprising parts of this adoption process to me has been the heaviness on my heart for our child’s birth family. I have found myself awake in the middle of the night praying for our child’s birth parents and wishing I could just sit with them. Since we don’t know our child yet, we don’t know any of his or her history (and we likely won’t share much once we do). But, I have found myself with so many thoughts and emotions.

We have no idea if our child became an orphan out of intention that was good, bad or tragic. There are so many unknowns in general with international adoption, but I have found myself trusting in a known God to meet those birth parents, if they are still alive, with a grace and comfort that only God can give. And, that the gospel of Jesus would find them if it hasn’t already. I’m not sure that a day will go by for the rest of my life where I don’t think about or pray for our child’s birth family. I wasn’t expecting to feel such a burden for them when we started into this process.

But, now I wonder, how could I not? Adoption is born out of brokenness and thankfully, God is in the business of transforming broken into beautiful. But, it doesn’t change the fact that the ashes were there. As a mother already, the thought of not being able to parent my children, for whatever reason, feels crushing. And, while I don’t know and may never know the details of our child’s birth family, I know I serve a God that sees.

He sees our family excitedly preparing to enter in a child from thousands of miles away and yet just as desired as anyone else in our family. He sees our child and has every circumstance under His control. He sees all of the birth family with a powerful love He has for them.

“The Lord looks down from heaven; he sees all the children of man; from where he sits enthroned he looks out on all the inhabitants of the earth, he who fashions the hearts of them all and observes all their deeds.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭33:13-15‬