“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son.” Revelation 21:3-7
We read this passage one week to the day from when we miscarried the baby. We read this as our candle was lit in remembrance of our little one. It brought so much comfort and power that evening. But, then…
I never read it again. And, for a reason.
That reason was the simple fact that the idea of our baby being in Heaven was just a reminder that our baby will never be here with us.
One day I was looking for a Christian book about miscarriages. I came across a book that had all of these illustrations of a childlike appearing angel holding a baby all wrapped in white. And, the words that read on the pages sounded good, but were not Scriptural. Not only did that irritate me, but then I began to realize that those in Heaven get to see my baby before I do. They know if our child is a boy or a girl. And, that just irked me a little bit.
Okay, maybe it irked me to the point of screaming at the angels that could hear me…”You just fly on up to Heaven and report back that none of your types are allowed to hold my baby!! Only Jesus can and any family members of John and I!! That’s IT!” Then, I laughed at the fact that any angel assigned to me probably rolls their eyes on a regular basis at the bizarre things I scream. But, I meant it. And, hopefully there’s not an angel reading over my shoulder right now, because I probably still agree with that idea, hehe.
But, something has shifted over the last few days. The idea of no more weeping has taken on a whole new meaning.
Last night, I was telling John how, with each year, the older we get, there is so much more to weep about. Each year, you learn of somehow else diagnosed with cancer, another person losing their job, more funerals to attend, someone that used to be close to Jesus just walks away, more divorces, someone loses their baby, and the list goes on… Each year, there’s going to be more to cry about. The closer I walk with Jesus, the more opposition and therefore, suffering, I am going to face.
It’s funny how the more in love with Jesus you get, the more things seem to fall apart around you. And, if it wasn’t for that insane, growing love for my Savior, I would stay pretty mad at Him. My old camp pastor came to speak to the students about a month ago. I actually had an extremely rough couple of days and wasn’t even planning to go that night. But, he talked about doubting God. He talked about how the closer we get to Jesus, the easier it is to doubt Him. When you hear about all of those junky things I listed above, that you start to become hurt because you know the depth of the love of Jesus. And, that extreme, pursuing love of Jesus just seems totally opposite for Him to allow those bad things to happen. Then, he went on further to say, “Don’t let the unexplainable in life to cloud the undeniable about God.”
Sometimes, you just gotta step out on faith, even when you don’t want to.
And, here I am. Slowly (very slowly) slipping back into some sense of normalcy after all of this craziness of the last 2 months. I have an anticipation and appreciation of Heaven more than I ever have in my entire life.
I have done more weeping the last 2 months (heck, even this week!) than I have in my whole life. But, the Lord has reminded me these last few days, that one day, where my baby is waiting, that there will be no more weeping. Not a single stinkin’ tear. Not one more breakdown on a bathroom floor. No hurt. No pain. No more suffering.
A place where Jesus will be in His rightly exalted place. A place that my baby will have only known. A place that I long for now. If you asked me about Heaven a few years back, I probably would have said that I would like to get married, have kids, and live a little before I get there. Now, I greatly anticipate the place where I will finally get to see Jesus face to face. And, until I get there, I want to work on bringing as many people with me as I possibly can.
And, another thing I am working on, until I get there, is handing my husband, my baby, and any possible future babies into the care of Jesus. I need to be willing to love Jesus more than any of those people. I need to be willing to hand them right on over back to the One that created them, every single day of the rest of my life.
I follow the blog Bring the Rain (and I suggest you check it out) and she is currently pregnant after her last baby lived less than a full day. Her last post talked about her struggle in trusting the Lord right now. How she has tried to do this on her own, because the last time she let the Lord handle it, her baby didn’t make it. Wow, how tough is that? And, I am learning how to let the Lord handle things, even when I don’t want him to.
God allowed for my baby to only live in my womb a short while, before taking our little one to Heaven. And, I am now learning to accept that and actually be excited of the idea of some distant place of no more weeping. A place that my baby has experienced in full.
On this post-Thanksgiving weekend, I’m thankful for the opportunity to experience Heaven one day. And, I’m thankful for my new expectant heart to spend an eternity there! If you want more information on how I have the certainty of going to Heaven one day, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I would love to chat about it more!