Well, December has already involved some packing and unpacking with more coming our way! We are housesitting again this week and at the end of December (Christmas week) we’ll be headed to my mom’s house for the week. If there’s anything in the world I truly hate, it would be packing and unpacking. But, I survived the task for Thanksgiving in Texas with John’s family, so I am sure I can figure out a way to survive the rest of this month :o)
And, yes, you read correctly…we are housesitting again! We are housesitting at the same place we did in October. I had the miscarriage on Thursday, October 8th and that Sunday we were off to housesit! At first I was thinking that I just wanted to be home during that time, but in the Lord’s amazing plan, He allowed the housesitting to feel like a much needed escape. I am still so grateful that we had the 2.5 weeks here while I was recovering from my surgery…and it was free cable (which was an excellent distraction) and we got paid!!
This time around, we’re here for 7 days. Our first day was this past Saturday. I was the first one out of John and I to arrive at the house that morning. As soon as I walked in, I was amazed at how quickly I was transported back to two months ago. The smell of the house, random rooms where I collapsed on the floor crying, the bathroom where I took long showers wondering how I was going to make it through the rest of the day, the living room where I restarted my 30 Day Shred regimen trying to lose the few pounds and get the stress out, the pool that I stared at because I wasn’t allowed to go swimming because of the surgery, the kitchen where I heated up meals people gave us or made TV dinners for us because I didn’t have energy for anything more, etc etc etc
I am one of those people that for some reason, I take a smell and instantly connect it to a memory. It can be something as simple as, thinking I am buying a new deodorant, applying it and instantly remembering it is the scent I wore while dating John. Then, before I know it, I remember the feeling of dating some cute guy named John ;o)
Or, it can be walking into the home that I tried to recover from my miscarriage in and the scent instantly takes me back to the despair of those few weeks following that extremely dark time. And, wow, was it dark.
And, once again, the Lord’s timing is perfect. I am so glad we’re here housesitting again. God has used it to show me how far He has brought us since October 8th. I am not quite sure that I would have ever realized how much God really has healed our hearts. Now, don’t get me wrong, He’s definitely not done yet. It is still very tender and it’s just going to take more time. But, I have gotten to a place where I can at least function throughout the day.
Today was one of my rougher days (since today was the 2 month mark) and I am still so much better off than I would have been 2 weeks afterwards. I was able to take care of the house and dogs today (which, the last time we here, John did most of everything). I was able to make a real dinner with a new recipe (and it turned out super yummy which was nice). I was able to even watch A Baby Story or two (on Discovery Health and/or TLC, my favorite channels that we don’t get at home since we don’t have cable!).
It’s been a very sad day. That’s the best way I can describe it, just sad. But, my adjectives two months ago would have been much more depressing. And, I do believe that I will always hold that this is just very sad. Therefore, I think I am finally settling into life post-losing your first child. I am figuring out how to live life when everyone else pregnant around me is finding out the gender of their child and I should know by now. I am learning how to accept that it’s just not a part of the story for my first baby and it never will be. And, somehow, that’s becoming okay.
Lord, hold my baby tonight!! And, let baby Phillips know that I am still in love and still miss my baby like crazy!