Tuesday marked 6 months since Warner was born. It’s been six months since we held him while he slipped into eternity with our Jesus.
So many mixed emotions. Moments of celebration so intimately intertwined with moments of sadness. Feeling grateful for his short life and all God has done. Yet feeling devastated that instead of holding Warner close on his half birthday, I find myself looking at the pillow like clouds in the sky asking God to hold him for me.
Our little family loves celebrating our Littles first half birthday. There’s just something special about your baby hitting the 6 month mark. They’re way out of the “bump on a log” stage and ready to take on the world around them. For both of the girls we had special treats and balloons to celebrate their special day.
So, for Warner we decided we were going to do the same. I took the girls to the grocery store to get cupcake supplies and balloons. When we got to the balloons, we decided on one special one that said “Birthday Boy” and four plain light blue ones.
We went up to the counter to get them all filled with helium and we waited. A guy came up to help and started with the special balloon. He filled it up and as soon as he did. He started searching over the balloon. There was a leak and he couldn’t figure out how or where.
Then, in a quick decision, he cut into the side of the balloon to get the rest of the helium out and told me “this balloon is broken, I’ll get you another one”. I stood there frozen. Charlotte was in the baby carrier close to me and Ella was playing around with a lighter display (nice.)
He came back promptly with a shiny new balloon and I couldn’t stop thinking of my Warner’s balloon discarded so easily. And, got me to thinking how likely it is that people could feel the same of my Warner. People say dumb things when they don’t know what else to say. But, thankfully we haven’t had that a ton since Warner died.
But, our culture is so quick to discard little lives. We do it every day in our thoughts and our actions. I’ve been asked if we are going to have another baby. And, the truth is, I have no clue and I can’t even think of that right now. I don’t just want a baby, I want Warner.
And, there was my hand-picked, special balloon laying in the trash. Once the worker was done with the replacement balloon and the others, I asked him if I could have the old balloon out of the trash and I’d even pay for it. No doubt he thought I was nuts. But, I don’t care. The sweet, even more special now, balloon is sitting in Warner’s box now.
Just because you lived a short life, we won’t discard you as broken, Warner! Your life mattered and counted for eternity. I couldn’t be more thankful to be your Mommy! And, Ella couldn’t have been happier to send your balloons up to Heaven so you could play with them. Hope you loved what we picked!
One thought on “Broken Things”
I always know I am in for a good weeping when I come over here, Jennifer! I hope this does not creep you out, but I think about Warner's and your story frequently. As a mother of littles myself, how can I not? Warner shares a birthday with not only my hubby but also our soon-to-be daughter. That may be a contributing factor to the amount of times Warner's sweetness crosses my mind. And then I pray. I'm grateful for your transparency and am learning from you!