Month of March

I kind of hate this month. This is my second time to live through this month since Warner is no longer here. I thought it would be easier this year. It’s not.

Every. single. day. since March 24, 2013, I’ve hurt that he’s not here. I don’t foresee any season of time where that won’t be the case. He’s a part of our family and he’s not here anymore.

I never really understood the heartbreak of grief before. But, it really is a heart wrenching reality to be separated from your love by death. I’ve always said there’s an obvious void in our family and it will always exist. I feel that to be even stronger since Jed’s arrival.

I thought this March would be easier since more time has passed and since Warner has a little brother to fill our empty time. But, I was wrong. Lately, I’ve just been staring at Jed as he’s already changed so much and wondered what Warner would’ve looked like at 3 months. When Jed was first born I never had the “I wonder about Warner” thoughts because we got the chance to live life with him as a baby, even if it was only 45 minutes. But, as time progresses with our first baby since Warner’s death, I can’t help aching that I didn’t get to see these milestones with him.

It hurts. And, it’s hard. And, there’s TimeHop. Which, is full of sorrow and joy all wrapped up into one little app. So sweet to remember those last days with Warner and sitting at the Lord’s feet in a way I had never done before. But, so sorrowful to now know those were the last days when I didn’t know it at the time.

Lord, You will redeem even this…

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