Today has been okay. John and I have rested a lot. And, by rested, I just mean lounging around our home. Relaxing wouldn’t be the word to describe our day, but it felt good to just lay in bed or on the couch. I have had very little concept of time since Tuesday at 1:50pm. The rest of it all has been one big clump of time. So weird. John told me this morning that it was Friday. I got so very confused by that. Seriously, it’s Friday?! I guess I believe him, haha.
Isn’t it funny that when you go through a trial and hear of other people living life normally, you feel so strange? It feels like the world is moving right on by you while it takes everything inside of you to just take a shower. It’s almost been confusing for me. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s not hurtful at all that people are living their life. It just feels like I am standing in the middle of Times Square. Like, everything is moving so fast and people are living life, while I am standing there in complete silence and no noise to be heard. Just there confused and not knowing where I am supposed to go or what I am supposed to do next.
I just keep thinking about Monday. I don’t even remember my whole day that day. But, I woke up pregnant and thought of my baby most that day (like I did everyday since finding out I was pregnant). I went to Michael’s with my 40% off coupon and bought a pretty fall Welcome sign for our front door. And, I bought fall leafy garland to outline our front door. Then, I planned to get a pumpkin sometime this week for John and I to carve. And, I kept thinking how next October we could take our baby to the pumpkin patch with us to take super cute pictures. I have always longed to start my own family and decorate for the holidays. So, I took forever in Michael’s, wanting to buy the whole store out! I even wandered over to the scrapbook section to look at cutesy baby stickers. I had been taking pictures every week of my belly so that I could scrapbook the growth. I am glad that I ended up not buying any stickers. I decided I needed to finish the wedding scrapbooks before venturing to something new, haha.
But, overall, I just keep thinking that Monday was a day of being 24 and pregnant with my first child. And, Tuesday was the day I found out that wasn’t the case anymore. Why? Can I go back to Monday and make everyday that day? I was telling John last night that from this point on, I will always have been pregnant at one point. I will have to check that box on medical paperwork of yes, I have had 1 pregnancy. But, do they have a box I can check that says, but I never had the chance to hold that baby? If, and when, we ever do get pregnant again, and people asked if it was our first, our answer will now be no. Then, they’ll inevitably follow up with, oh you’re second child! Umm, well, yes, but no? Just stinks.
Well, tonight I stumbled on a website that has remembrance gifts for miscarriages and pregnancy loss. Did you know that October is national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? Yeah, me either. How ironic for us? And, October 15th is National Pregnancy Loss and Remembrance Day. Apparently, it is asked that you light a candle on the 15th at 7:00pm so that a continuous light will shine around the world in remembrance of our precious babies that were gone too soon. And, that will be exactly one week after our baby Phillips was born. We will be lighting a candle here at the Phillips household. We would love for you to do the same at your home at 7pm if you feel led to do so.
This website, http://www.myforeverchild.com, also had jewelry for remembrance of your miscarriage or pregnancy loss. John and I ordered a bracelet for me. It was oddly comforting. It has three charms on it. The first says, “Life” and has a rosebud on the other side. It also has a Swarovski crystal in the color of the month our baby was conceived (August, the month I was born). The second charm is a butterfly to represent the day our baby was transformed. It also has a Swarovski crystal in the color of the month our baby was miscarried (October). And, the third charm says “Wish”. It also has a Swarovski crystal in the color of the month our baby was supposed to be due (May). I can hardly wait to get it in the mail. It’s supposed to take 7-10 days. But, I am hoping for sooner.
Also, this website had poems about miscarried babies and the pain that comes with it. Below are some of the poems. Some parts might be a little cheesy, but it helped me after a rough patch tonight. I cried through all of these, but especially this first one. I told John that I felt like I could have written it. It’s like my thoughts word for word…
Just Those Few Weeks
For just those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks,
I came to know you…
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks…
when I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks…
It wasn’t enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks..
And no “normal” person would cry all night
Over a tiny unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I??
You were just those few weeks, my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that’s all the time you needed
to make my life richer
and to give me a small glimpse of eternity.
How do you love a person
who never got to be,
or try to envision a face
you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one
who never got to live.
When there’s nothing to feel good about
and nothing to forgive?
I love you, my little baby,
my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours,
beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before
you ever were born,
to live the lovely night of life
and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby,
you lived like anyone!
Life’s a burst of joy and pain.
And then like yours, it’s done.
I love you, my little baby,
just as if you’d lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
the Angel of my tears.
Precious Little One
I’m just a precious little one who didn’t make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
but I’m waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live,
waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorow,
a world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don’t complain.
I have all Heaven’s Glory,
suffered none of earth’s great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I`d have loved to bring it fame.
But if I`d lingered in earth’s shadows,
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family-don’t you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus’ arms
from my loving Mother’s womb.
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby’s not with you?Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there’s no need to stay.
I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath
and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
“We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!”
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
“Mommy, Please don’t be sad today
I’m your baby and I am here”
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they’ll stay
They’ll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother
It’s the feeling in your heart
It’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
We miss you baby Phillips. But, cling tight to sweet Jesus. He will hold you until we get there to hold you