Just to show that we are so confused on the concept of time right now, John turned on the TV this morning and saw a bunch of cartoons. He was like, wow, there are so many cartoons on right now. I responded with, well, it’s Saturday. Then, he said whaaaat? No way! I laughed and told him that at least one of us knows what day it is every other day. Too funny. Once he realized the cartoon time was almost over (we had another late night last night, therefore we didn’t really get up until later), he said he wished he got up earlier to watch more cartoons. Haha, I must say that I probably agree with him!
Today was another of the same. Lots of laying around on the couch or bed watching TV with intermittent moments of the internet or crying. We had some friends stop by today to bring us lunch, I kind of had to laugh afterwards at the way I looked when they came over. I was still half asleep, my hair all over the place, no make-up, gym shorts on with a t-shirt. But, they were sweet enough to not tell me how ridiculous I appeared. I probably looked even more pathetic than I really am, haha.
Today I actually had some more physical pain than usual since the surgery. I woke up in a little more pain than expected. But, praise Jesus for motrin. I am really ready for all of the physical pain to be over. Every time I have a cramp or bleeding, it is just constant reminders of the reality that my baby is no longer inside of my body. Hopefully, I will only have a couple more days of the phase we are in now.
Tonight, I took shower and actually decided to style my hair! That’s right, who knew I would be so proud of myself for throwing some hair products in and blowdrying my hair. I told John (very randomly) that I wanted to go to the Florida Mall. I honestly have no idea why. The more I’ve thought about it, I think it’s because we never go there. The Florida Mall always makes me think of our engagement. So, I guess I wanted to feel closer to happier times. We didn’t really go into any stores, we just walked. Which, that was actually probably pretty stupid considering I had more cramping today than yesterday. Oh well.
It felt good to be out, but not really. When we walked out of the mall, I told John that it felt like everyone knew what they were doing. Like, everyone knew where to walk, what they were doing that night, etc. But, I felt as though I never got the memo on what I am supposed to do next or how I am supposed to feel. Then, John suggested we go to a Mexican restaurant in Kissimmee that we’ve been wanting to try. I knew back in my brain I wasn’t totally up for it, but figured I would be fine once we got there.
I felt really out of it when we got to the restaurant. But, we sat down and ordered. I was pretty quiet and wasn’t eating much. I have no idea why, but when our food came out. My eyes started welling up with tears. I started playing with my food and thought about how I’ll never get to take my baby out to a restaurant with us. I’ll never get to teach our child how to use a fork or a spoon. Then, my mind started to race with all of things I’ll never get to show our child or teach our child. It all hit really hard and I told John I had to get out of there. I grabbed his keys and ran to the car. He paid for the food and got it to go. John and our waitress were great, because it didn’t take that long.
There I was in our car, seat back, and me balling my eyes out. There I am in the parking lot crying out to God with like three groups of people near the car all talking to each other and loving life. While they are all talking, I’m lying there begging Jesus to hold my baby tight tonight. And, to tell my baby that I am so sorry that I never had the chance to hold him or her. And, I’m sorry I never got to teach anything to baby Phillips. I just kept begging Jesus over and over to hold my baby and to tell baby Phillips how deep my love is for my child. Then, I just kept telling Jesus how dark things are right now. And, how I have never walked anything close to this terrible before. Then, I told Him how regardless of how low things are, that I do know He is close.
It’s so strange that I find myself writing these things on this blog or that I post stuff on Twitter or Facebook. It’s like, my grief is so thick, I can’t even think through what I am saying. Sometimes, after I post a Twitter, I regret it soon later. It’s like I’m not thinking when I say it. Oh well. I guess I’m just being honest. But, I have always tried to not be that person that makes really awkward posts all the time and airs way too much private stuff in public. Hopefully my rantings just cause people to pray and that it helps get me through.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll post the Bible verses I found to comfort me. I have never really known where I stood on the whole do miscarried babies go to Heaven issue. I’ve never had any reason to research that. The Lord gave me several passages today to comfort me that I can know that baby Phillips is with Jesus. I am one of those people that can’t just believe in something because it sounds good, I need strong Biblical proof to trust a theory like this one. And, now that I have done the looking myself, I am so grateful to know that I will see my baby again one day. It’s been a great comfort today.
We love all of you and are so grateful for you! Your prayers have gotten us through! Thank you for the words of encouragement, the meals, the gifts, and the overall support. You are one of the many blessings that God has provided through all of the yucky-ness!