It’s been one week since we found out about the news. I am shocked at how I made it through the day. I actually only teared up once today! That’s huge, considering that I have cried at least once a day since the news hit us. John had a tougher day than I did, so I guess it’s good that we both seem to take turns for the tough moments.
I spent time with two precious friends today and their beautiful children. They were homeschooling and took some chunks out of their day to let me hang out with the kiddos. One of the moments that brought a chuckle out was when the little ones decided to talk about my pregnancy. That probably seems like it would have made me cry, but it actually made me laugh. The 4 year old said, “I heard you’re pregnant!!” I had no idea what to respond, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But, I just responded, “Well, not anymore.” He seemed confused and I told him that one day I will have a baby. He said, “Oh yeah, one day,” as though it made total sense. Then, several moments passed and the 2 year old said, “You having your baby on Friday?” I laughed at how random that was and said, “No, no baby this Friday.” He then said, “You having it on Monday or Tuesday?” I laughed and said “No baby for a looooong time”. Then, the 4 year old jumped back in with, “Yeeeaah, not for a long time!” I proceeded to tell them, “Look at my belly, there’s not one there! I can’t be having a baby on Friday when there’s no belly there!” And, the 4 year old said, “Yeeeaaah, no belly! You have to have a belly!” He seemed satisfied with my response. I must admit that I was a little scared he would say that I did have a belly, haha. But, at least I’m still skinny in his eyes :o)
As funny as that story was to me, it made me happy to have a 4 year old and a 2 year old that understand me not wanting to have a baby for a long time. So many people have told me of their miscarriage stories. I am so saddened to hear them and that my story brings up prior pain for so many people. There are three women that I have asked to hear their story. And, each one is such a unique story, with three totally different outcomes. While I have been comforted to hear so many of your stories, I would ask that you please hold off on those right now. My heart breaks at what I have just asked you, but please try to understand. Please try to remind yourself of the pain you felt that first week after miscarriage (that’s right, it hasn’t even been a week! Baby Phillips was officially miscarried last Thursday). I have been very overwhelmed at so many stories. And, I am not sure that I can put my finger on it right now. Maybe my own grief is too deep that I feel like I can’t bear the load of anyone else’s story just yet.
I also think that part of it is that people get transported back to their own painful story and almost get lost in the recounting of their own prior grief. And, through that, they share their particular outcome. And, a lot of times it includes another pregnancy soon after their miscarriage. Praise Jesus for His ability to turn really bad things into good!! But, hearing those stories right now make me happy for that individual and then reminds me of my currently empty womb. I didn’t just want to be pregnant, I wanted to be able to hold my first baby and I will never be able to do that. Currently, John and I are not planning to try to conceive when we get the okay from the doctor. Neither of us want the stress of “trying” and we also want as much time as we need to grieve this first baby of ours. If the Lord busted through that idea and gave us a baby, we would be SO grateful. But, right now, it just feels like that would just be us trying to make a band-aid for our current heartache.
I have heard several stories of people that had a miscarriage, got pregnant again soon after, and now they have that precious child. Isn’t that just so cool of God to ‘work all things together for good’? But, that’s exactly what it is. God did not desire for baby Phillips to die. The reality is, we live in a sinful, fallen, and dying world. And, God allowed for our precious baby to succumb to the effects of that sooner than we would have liked. I find it hard to think that God “messed up” in creating our first baby and wanted to clean the slate to try again. Then, He would have us try to get pregnant again fast and let us have that baby because He didn’t have that one die. I don’t believe that people try to portray that with their story, but depending on how it’s told, sometimes that is how I interpret it. Ultimately, it is just the depth of my own emotion right now (and the hormones that are shifting all over the place). While I am so very serious in that I have loved hearing your beautifully woven stories, I am too weak to hear them right now. Please know that my heart breaks for all of the lost babies in this fallen world, but unfortunately, I am just not strong enough yet to hear all of the heartbreaking stories.
I hope that makes sense without offending anyone’s grieving process. One thing I have learned through all of this is how differently people work through grief and how that’s okay. You may think it’s crazy that I don’t want to get pregnant right away after this and I may think I’m not strong enough to live your story of being able to try to conceive again right away. And, the cool thing is that God comforts us all and leads each of us in the way He wants us to go. I just pray that John and I will be obedient in whatever His next step is for us.
Tomorrow is my post-op appointment with Dr. Peppy. I have a list of questions (haha, poor guy) and am glad to update him on our progress so far. He is a great doctor and I am really hoping that he gives me clearance to start exercising and to start swimming! We are housesitting right now and the people have a beautiful pool that I am dying to try! And, I am ready to exercise to get back down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I am 4 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight (2 from the pregnancy and 2 from my comfort food this last week, haha).
Last, but not least, one of the friends I visited today gave me a book about miscarriages. I had asked her if she had any good books (because she has walked this before) and she gave me a copy of one she really liked. I just kinda threw it in my purse without looking at it. When, I came home, I instantly fell in love with the cover! That’s right, I haven’t even read any of it yet, but it’s already encouraged me so much. The title is, “Morning Will Come” and it has Psalm 30:5 on the front, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” When trying to describe this season of life, it just feels so dark, pitch black. And, just the realization that the morning will come has overwhelmed me with excitement! I also realized that part of that excitement is because of Christ’s death and resurrection. Oh, how dark it was on that Friday, pitch black. There was much weeping and it seemed like the darkness would never end. But, the light eventually came on that Sunday. And, everything has been better because of it!
I know that the morning will come and I am anxiously awaiting for it to get here…