Oh, how Jesus loves us. Notice that today’s post is much earlier than usual. Looks like the darkness decided to creep up a little earlier today. Oh well. Our sense of time is so off anyways. But, regardless of what day it is or what time the hurt begins to surface, it’s been neat to feel God’s love. Even when I get so upset that I cannot think on Him, I know deep down that He’s thinking of us. God never intended for things like this to happen. Oh, to take a time machine back to the Garden of Eden and beg Adam and Eve to just not listen to the serpent. But, hey, I can’t blame them. I have listened to the serpent way too many times in my own life to even try to think that I would have done anything different. But, overall, I know that God understands my feelings of despair.
I read more of C.S. Lewis’ book “A Grief Observed” today. Wow. A man that will always be deemed as one of the intellectual giants of the Christian faith even had moments of deep grief and despair. It’s comforting to read the words of a great giant in the faith and to know that my own grief doesn’t even compare to some of the words he has written in this book. It’s helped John and I to know that it could even be worse than this (even though that’s hard to believe). Here’s an excerpt from the book that I found astonishing today…
“…don’t come to me talking about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don’t understand. Unless, of course, you can literally believe all that stuff about family reunions ‘on the further shore’, pictured in entirely earthly terms. But that is all unscriptural, all out of bad hymns and lithographs. There’s not a word of it in the Bible. And it rings false. We know it couldn’t be like that. Reality never repeats. The exact same thing is never taken away and given back. How well the spiritualists bait their hook! ‘Things on this side are not so different after all.’ There are cigars in Heaven. For that is what we should all like. The happy past restored.
…’Do not mourn like those that have no hope.’ It astonishes me, the way we are invited to apply to ourselves words so obviously addressed to our betters. What St. Paul says can comfort only those who love God better than the dead, and the dead better than themselves. If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to ‘glorify God and enjoy Him forever.’ A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild.”
Wow. He’s a lot smarter than me! Haha, and a whole lot better at articulating the truth of my current pain. Sure, I know that my dead child is in Heaven and that I can still have my chief purpose of glorifying God. But, the motherhood I was planning to understand more in the month of May, is causing me the pain. Will I probably get to experience that at some point in my life? I pray the answer is yes. But, it just won’t be the way I thought. All in all, it’s an awesome book and definitely a lot of “Whoooaaa” moments. Amazing that such an intelligent and Christ-filled man felt so alone.
Today, I’ve thought a lot about last Monday. It was the last time I was pregnant and happy. As I already said in an earlier post, I went to the store to buy cutesy Fall decorations for our apartment door. As I walked the aisles I dreamed about adding to our seasonal decorations more and more for our precious baby to be able to experience all of the seasons as much as possible. And, I talked about how I wandered the baby aisle of the scrapbooking section and admired the baby stickers I would be buying very soon.
Also, on Monday, I met my mother on the other side of town in the afternoon. She bought John and I an antenna for our television. She was horrified at the fact that we had no television channels and took it upon herself to bless us with an antenna to get the local channels :o) On my way to meet her, I listened to two songs. The first was “Center” by Charlie Hall. This was the song sung as I walked down the aisle towards John at our wedding. I listened to the song and got teary as I prayed that God would make me a better wife. I actually talked with John later that night about how I felt like I needed to start to make more effort to be a Godly wife. Of course, he said I already was a Godly wife, but I confessed to him that I needed to cover him more in prayer than I had been our first 2 months.
The second song I listened to was “Fix You” by Coldplay. I started to really cry at this song. I was thinking about our baby at lyrics like this, “When you try your best, but you don’t succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep. And, the tears come streaming down your face. When you lose something you can’t replace. When you love someone, but it goes to waste. Lights will guide you home, ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.” I cried and cried and sang this to my baby. I had no idea that there was something wrong that I couldn’t fix. I didn’t know that my baby had already passed the point of “fixing”. Oh, how I sang that song several times through in the car that last Monday. And, I meant every word. I had pictured holding our baby as he or she cried and couldn’t be calmed down. How I would try everything to fix the situation. I thought about our child’s first heartbreak and how I would try to pick up the pieces. I had no idea I wouldn’t get that chance.
But, the good news, is that Jesus knows how to fix that better than me. And, currently, He’s been given the job completely and not me! I wish I could be the one He used to hold my baby and bring comfort and fix baby Phillips. But, God had different plans. And, I’m working on fully accepting that.
Oh, how last Monday is seeming farther and farther away. Tomorrow I know I will wake up with the first thought that it’s been a week since the news. But, I am going to think on last Monday as long as I can.
All of this sad talk is making me hungry for dinner. I think it’s time to heat up the pasta shells that a dear friend made for us. Once again, we love all of you and are so thankful to have you with us!! It’s been a tough road, but I know the sunlight will come again before know it. Until then, we’re learning how to live life and love Jesus in the darkness. We genuinely hope that all of you had a great Columbus Day today! We enjoyed our day together!