Today has been rough. Last night, starting around 1:00am we really started to feel yucky again. Yesterday, I had a fairly good day. But, once we were all settled in at home, we both had a tough time. We had a long conversation about what to do next and we still just don’t have that answer. We know it’ll come. But, when we woke up this morning, the feeling of despair was still hanging around. Ugh, what a terrible way to wake up.
I had a lunch with a dear friend today. We hadn’t caught up since before the wedding, so it was nice to chat. I know I probably took over most of the conversation, but she didn’t seem to mind. It was a real encouragement to have someone say that it’s okay to feel this hurt over losing our first child. And, it was super fun to be distracted by the store opening of H&M at the Florida Mall. It was a confirmation to know that God must be exist, I mean, we have an H&M now!! Haha, no shopping, but it was fun to be there for the grand opening.
After leaving lunch and the mall, my feelings started to go south again. Oh well, I guess I should expect that some days will be better (yesterday and the day before) and some days I’ll wish that I could just lay in my bed and cry all day. But, I just kept thinking about lighting our candle tonight in honor of baby Phillips. Here are some pictures…
This first one I found still on my camera from the day that I surprised John with the pregnancy. I finally had gotten the surprise out (I didn’t make it past 24 hours before constructing my elaborate scheme) and we made it home to relax. I believe this picture was taken pretty late that night, because we spent the afternoon celebrating and telling our immediate families
Here’s our set-up before lighting the candle. Around 6:00pm we read lots of Scripture together and both prayed. As soon as we said amen, it was already 6:58pm.
Then, we lit our candle and honestly just sat in silence for several moments. There wasn’t much to say and it was tough to know what to do next
The day of my surgery, we were sent a bouquet of flowers. The bouquet was all fall colors which I love. It was mostly gold and maroon colored flowers. But, there was one random hot pink flower in the bouquet. It doesn’t match at all and honestly appears to be a huge mistake in the bouquet
The second I saw that flower I just had an overwhelming thought that it had to do with our baby. I told John later (not right away because I didn’t want him to think I was totally nuts) that the pink flower makes me think that our first baby was a girl. It’s funny because earlier in the pregnancy I told him that I thought we were going to have a girl. Do I believe 100% that our baby was a girl? No, there’s not a way to know that. But, I do believe that God allowed that random pink flower to help me in my healing. You may think I’m crazy, but that’s okay. If I get to Heaven and I see that we were given a precious baby boy as our first child, I doubt I’m going to be complaining to God that he gave me a pink flower in my bouquet. So, that’s how I’m reconciling my craziness :o)
One of the many passages we read tonight was out of Job 3. It’s been a big comfort this last week. Basically, Job is saying how he wishes he had never been born. And, in his rantings to the Lord, he tells Him that it would have been better for him to be a stillborn baby because at least he would have been in a place of peace. It’s nice to know that my stillborn baby is in a coveted place of peace
After John and I talked about our baby for a while and how crazy all of this is, we decided to pull out our ultrasound picture. I hadn’t seen it since all of this happened. It was nice to remember how precious that day was. It was so beautiful to see our little baby and the precious beating heart. John and I both talked a lot that day about our baby’s little arms. They were so cute!
It’s been a tough day and night, but my husband is amazing. Wow, God really gave me more than I could have ever asked for. I love him so very much and this really has brought us closer together. I am so glad that this terrible situation has drawn us closer rather than apart. He’s a great man and I’m glad he’s my baby daddy :o)
I wanted you all to be able to see the stuff we bought for our baby’s scrapbook. On the left, I put the two different kinds of paper we bought for it. One is light blue with little green and brown polka dots. The other is light pink with different shades of pink stripes on it. The pages of our book will alternate between these two sheets. For the first sheet we brought a green page and the last page a teal one.
In closing, we read Revelation 21:1-7. Then, we blew out the candle. The candle is now on its stand and proudly displayed on one of our shelves above the television. One day, there will be no more pain and no more tears. And, Jesus will be highly exalted in His rightful place. I got the chills as we read that passage. Just to read the words that Jesus had conquered everything once and for all. I began to picture that day in Heaven. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I greatly anticipate Heaven one day. Sure I have always been excited about it, but now is different. I used to live under the mindset that I just wanted to get married first, have babies, and have grandbabies before going to Heaven. But, Jesus reminded me tonight that He reigns supreme. And, I was reminded that His reigning is more glorious than anything I could ever find on earth. Also, of course, I am happy to know that when I do get to Heaven, I’ll have my baby’s beautiful face to greet me.
For all of you that lit a candle tonight, you were very encouraging to us. We love you and are so glad that you would honor baby Phillips and all of the other fallen babies of this world. And, we still covet your prayers as it has now been an official week since our baby was miscarried. But, Jesus is STILL fairer today!