My husband turned my blog into something pretty! I just love it! One more reason why I love my husband: he knows how to do computer stuff, while I just give up after one try, haha. So, thank you Mr. John Phillips for making my blog all beautified!
You know how some days you wake up and just know it’s going to be a yucky day? That was me today. Literally, from the second I woke up, I felt sad. I mean, come on! Usually it takes a good 30 minutes or an hour until I realize that nothing has changed and my baby is still gone. But, this morning, my lovely brain decided to remind me of the truth within 10 seconds. I sincerely have moments where I freak out and think that these feelings will never end. For example, today I thought much about if or when we get pregnant again. Will I still miss my first baby this much? Every time I take my child to Sunday school or marvel at his/her first steps, will I wish that I also had the chance to see my first baby do those things? Sure, I believe that time will heal a lot, but will I ever really get over the fact that I never got to hold my first child? I don’t really believe that there are answers to these questions, but this is just a dumb situation.
Today, John and I went to Disney’s Animal Kingdom. I wanted to get out of the house and kick my sad attitude in the butt. Didn’t work as well as I would have liked. But, John and I did share some laughs, so I guess it was still worth it. But, several times, when I saw a pregnant woman or a newborn I wondered why I didn’t get the chance to have this baby? Once again, not the idea of being pregnant or having a baby (I am praying God blesses us with that in the future), but why I couldn’t have THAT baby, my FIRST child. Luckily, those thoughts never stay long. Usually, pretty quickly, the Lord reminds of the fact that He’s in control and He has a plan and purpose for every child He has ever created, including my baby. I have no idea what my baby’s plan or purpose was, but I am sure it has something to do with teaching mommy and daddy some lessons in how to pursue Jesus on a greater level.
If today wasn’t ridiculous enough, I can barely walk. That’s right, I am hobbling around like someone that had leg surgery a week ago and not a D&C. Yesterday was a pretty good day, John and I just lounged around all day. It was nice to rest all day because the last few days were pretty tiring. I got the bright idea to begin my workout regimen again in full speed. I am officially insane! I can’t even describe how sore I am right now! I did Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred DVD yesterday and I think that my ultimate problem is that I used weights that were too heavy. Also, I just plain pushed myself too hard. For the first time ever working out, I felt extremely sick to my stomach. It took about an hour before I felt normal again. Originally I planned to begin the workout every day. But, there was no possible way I could have done that again today. As soon as I’m not this sore, I’ll pick back up on the workouts.
Now, for the happier parts of my day! God provides blessings even during heartache. God is still good, even when I complain for most of the day. Well, I got my bracelet today!! Remember the one I told you about? It has three charms, one representing when we conceived (including a crystal in the color of the month we conceived, August), one representing when our baby was transformed (including a crystal of the month we miscarried, October), and one representing when our baby was supposed to be due (including a crystal of the month of our due date, May). I love it! It turned out so well and I am glad it’s on my wrist already. Here is a picture!
Here is my new beautiful bracelet! I found it at www.myforeverchild.com
Another blessing today was a package I received from a family that recently moved away from Orlando. I was so blown away that they took the time to send us a gift! It is so precious and I am so taken aback that they thought of us. They sent us “The Clinging Cross”. It is a cross that is shaped and formed to fit inside the palm of your hand. It was made to have a tangible way to hold onto the cross when you’re going through a tough time. I love it! It fits so perfectly in the palm of my hand and I have no doubt that I’ll use it a lot in the near future. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if I use it a bunch tonight. Thank you so much for our beautiful gift, Mr. and Mrs. Murray! Here are some pictures!