Has it really been this long since I’ve posted a blog?? I’ve thought about it several times if that counts for anything. There have been so many moments where time seems like it is flying by so fast in a whirlwind and there are other times where it feels like time is not moving at all. This is just such a strange place to be in, but I can’t even explain how happy I get in the random moments of normalcy.
First, I will fill you in on the good stuff that’s been happening lately! Probably the biggest thing has been that I got a part time job! Honestly, I think the only people that even know that are John and my mom. Before we were done housesitting, I had a total freakout moment that we were going back home and I would just be sitting around all day sad. Therefore, I went online and applied to Macy’s for a seasonal part-time job. I interviewed two days later and she hired me on the spot. I was really looking for something that’s not going to be a career or something that I could easily get out of if I hated it. I have already had orientation and tomorrow I have register training. I am actually really excited about it! It’s nice to be looking forward to something. Hey, I decided to pick a hobby where we get some extra cash flow, instead of dishing money out for my momentary lapse of wanting to learn how to decorate cakes. I quickly reminded myself that I have no artistic talent whatsoever and it would probably be smarter to get money rather than spend more of it.
The second positive thing has been my workout schedule lately. I have been working out pretty regularly (which I completely ditched the second I got pregnant, haha). I can already see a little muscle definition in my arms which makes me sing hallelujah! You know how everyone has that one thing about their body where they think, “only if…”. Well, I have always wanted what I call Kate from LOST arms. That’s right, I want to randomly flex, I mean rest my arm over my head against a doorframe and make everyone say whooooa. Don’t judge. And, I can say that I am closer now to that than I have ever been. Still not to the Kate from LOST status, but I’ll keep ya updated.
The third positive thing would be the extra special gifts we have gotten recently. I want to dedicate a whole post to these two items, so I’ll leave it there for now! The truth is, I want to take pictures of them and post them on here when I write about it. And, right now, I am too lazy to do that :o)
Now, for the yuckiness of life lately…
Last Tuesday evening, three weeks to the day that we found out our precious baby stopped growing, I completely lost it. Isn’t strange how you can think that you’ve reached a certain milestone of being okay and then completely lose it all over again? Not even kidding y’all, one would’ve thought I had just found out. I had no idea I could cry like that again. The same kind of non-understandable noises I made the night of the miscarriage, came back again. I mean, I thought that kind of stuff was only movie material. Apparently not. John peeled me off the floor (I am pretty sure he thought something else was wrong in the beginning because it was so sudden, before I knew it was crying and screaming no, then hit the floor) and I laid down in bed. I tried to go to sleep and every time I closed my eyes, images were flooding through my brain all over again. Total, complete panic and heartbreak like the very first night. And, it just felt like everything was blurry. Again. I watched a bunch of TV with John until I finally passed out at who knows what time.
The next day (last Wednesday) was another complete blur. No shower. No makeup. Nothing but a t-shirt and gym pants. I know I smelled horrible. And, I don’t doubt that I looked a mess. It’s so funny though how when you’re in the middle of something, you could stinking care less if you are presentable or not. I somehow found strength to go to church that night and when I came home and looked in the mirror, I had a flash to looking in the mirror the day of my surgery. I literally had no sleep the night before the surgery and when we had the miscarriage. When I looked in the mirror that day, I wanted to just cry all over again because I really didn’t know someone could even physically look as heartbroken as I did that day. Well, apparently it can make a second appearance because last Wednesday was pretty rough, too.
I can honestly say that I did not walk that week with as much grace (if you want to call it that) as I did the week we actually did get the news. I have struggled through this, I am not going to lie to you. BUT, I can say that God has given my strength even in the moments where I refuse to recognize that it is coming directly from Him. He really is jealous for me. And, I feel it. Even when I don’t want to know He’s there, He shows up. There are some days where I feel like I am hanging by a thread, but I do know the One that’s holding that thread.
There are some moments, in such extreme pain, that I find myself wondering if I will ever “get over this”. I mean, “Come on, Jennifer. Big deal. You’ll get the chance to have a baby one day. Other people have gotten through it without all of this fuss. There are so many people that didn’t even know you were pregnant, so it’s not even worth your own thought” Some moments, I feel so pulled in two directions. I know those thoughts are crazy, you don’t have to tell me it’s okay, I know the truth. It’s just hard to feel the truth sometimes. I just need to ignore those thoughts or when someone is so completely insensitive (whether they realize they are or not), I need to let myself just be in those moments. John is so much at discernment. I have always declared that is the last of my spiritual gifting. Well, maybe mercy is the least and then discernment right above it :o) But he’s so much better about sifting through dumb thoughts or people’s intentions. Maybe it’ll rub off on me some!
Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since we found out the news. Once again, feels like time is rushing by one day and the next it feels like time is standing still. But, despite my total breakdown last week, productive time really is helping to heal. And, I say productive meaning that John and I have both taken active parts in working through our grief rather than pushing it aside. Because, I do not believe that time heals anything. But, I think if you do things to heal, then over time, it helps. We’re getting there, even though I would still consider myself pretty unstable, haha.
Love y’all and thank you for the continued prayers!! It helps to know that our precious little one was so loved :o)