He is There…

Today John and I headed out to Disney to meet up with some co-workers of the church. It was not really planned on our end because I was supposed to babysit today, but it was cancelled last minute. First, we headed on over to Hollywood Studios (which actually may be John and I’s favorite) and then we made our way to Epcot for the rest of the day.

The beginning of the day, the crew we were with hit up the thrill rides first. I have no shame in the fact that I hate, no loathe, any type of thrill ride. I could care less if other people wanna ride, but not my deal. Therefore, John and I grabbed some ice cream (yuummm, hot fudge is WAY better than Tower of Terror). Then, we wandered and did the Animation Studios tour which we’ve never done before. Once we were wrapping up our non-scary, but rather delightful venture into animation, we met up with the rest of the gang to watch the one and only Indiana Jones show. It’s a pretty cool stunt show, not gonna lie. Sometimes I wish I could do cool stunts like falling off the side of a building, to really land on a bunch of mats. But, let’s face reality, I would rather eat a hot fudge sundae then ride Tower of Terror which poses no real risk, so I would be the most scaredy cat stuntswoman in the world. Anyways, I digress…

So, there we are, Indiana Jones is about to start, we’re in the third row and feeling like we’re practically in the show and I’m holding up the end of the row. It’s about to start, the music is pumping, Indiana is about the make his grand entrance by falling from the ceiling and it all hits me…

Noooo, not now. Please, just not now.

The last time John and I went to the show (which was my first time since I was a little girl) I was pregnant. I was pregnant and only a few people knew. The last time we were there I sat and wondered if our first child would be a little boy. I thought about how much John loved to dress up like Indiana Jones and how, if we had a little boy, we would absolutely need to buy him the whole get-up so he can be just like Indiana! I thought about how much his daddy would love to pretend and play Indiana Jones with his first son.  I thought about how much his daddy would love to sit down with him one day and play him all of his old favorite movies, like Indiana Jones.

Out of nowhere, front and center in a stadium where hundreds of people are excited to be at Disney and to see this cool show, I start to panic. Then, the tears started.

Nooo, I can’t do this here. Not right now…

I look in the two rows in front of us and there are three boys of different ages all in extreme awe as Indiana fell through the ceiling and navigated his way through a bunch of traps set up. They all sat there in the most innocent joy and really witnessed the magic that only Disney can create. And, I sat there crying and remembering that I’ll never get to see my child have that kind of wonder. What things would have made our child react that way? What would he or she have wanted to dress up as? Would he or she be a scaredy cat like me when it comes to rollercoasters or have their daddy’s “not a big deal” attitude about thrill rides?

Why don’t I get to hold my baby?? Why?!

As soon as the tears began to come in thick, I buried my face in John’s chest. I kept thinking, I hope no one sees me, especially the actor’s on the stage! I honestly don’t think anyone saw me, but I was balling my eyes out during a stupid show at Disney. I kept trying to catch my breath and I had so many moments where I thought, “what if I can’t stop crying? Do I run up these metal stairs to try and get away?”

Then, I began thinking of a few random moments of insensitivity we’ve had from several people lately. I have no doubt in my mind that any of those moments were not meant to be harmful to us, but they keep ringing in my head. It keeps haunting me and I sometimes I wonder if it’ll stop blaring in my brain. It’s so hurtful and it’s tough to know the right way to handle it. That’s probably one of the things I am struggling with the most right now. I have no clue at all how to handle that and then I have very selfish moments thinking that I shouldn’t have to handle anything right now except for the loss of our baby. I shouldn’t have to deal with other people saying dumb things or not thinking of me first…how easy is it to think of only yourself admist a trial? Believe me, I still think I’m right about these situations and I can convince you with a million reasons why, but it shouldn’t matter. It is the toughest for me to pursue righteousness in ALL situations when I can barely get out of bed. For lots of people they find it tough to pursue godliness when everything is just going normal, but I don’t always cling to the Lord first in junkiness. That’s when I go,

“Really, Lord? Are you kidding me? This person and that person don’t even love You the way I love You! Haven’t I been through enough before? I mean, seriously. I can give you a list of at least a hundred dark valleys I have walked through while remaining faithful and now this?”

And, I feel His reply ever so softly over and over and over again…

“Jennifer, I need you to trust Me. Look at My word. See anyone mentioned in there that didn’t deal with junk in their own lives? This person and that person that you think are just skating through life, does that really have anything to do with YOUR relationship with ME? I have this under control…

I was there when you were pregnant and didn’t even know it yet…

I was there when I formed those cells to come together and show off how I can create human life…

I was there when you took those tests and almost passed out wondering if you could be a good mom…

I was there when you were so nervous to tell John about your baby that I knew before I laid down the foundations of the earth…

I was there every time you felt ill as I was continuing to form your child…

I was there when you had that first ultrasound and every fear was laid to rest…

I was there when I formed that undying love in you as you watched your baby’s beating heart and saw the little body I had made inside of you…

I was there when I allowed your baby to stop growing and you didn’t even know it yet…

I was there when you cried out to Me on behalf of the child that you didn’t even know was already with Me…

I was there when you were so excited to head to your doctor’s appointment that horrible morning…

I was there when the worst fear you’ve had since a teenager of not being able to have children was realized as you witnessed your child’s heart to be no longer beating…

I was there when you held onto the tissue that used to be your baby at 4:30am that horrible morning…

I was there when you were waiting for your surgery with more fear and devastation than you’ve ever felt before…

I have been there EVERY TIME you have fallen apart, every thought you’ve had of giving up, every insensitive comment from someone else, every conversation where you find it easier to make jokes of your miscarriage rather than deal with the devastating truth, every time you try to act like you have it all together when you would much rather crawl in a hole…

But, more importantly, I have been there every single time you have chosen not to turn to Me with all of your hurts and struggles. I am there and pursuing you when you don’t choose to pursue Me. I love you. And, I love the baby I created for you and John more than you ever could…

Your husband is mine. Your baby is mine. And, YOU are mine. I’m not letting you go that easy. Hang on, we’ll get there…”

Jesus, please, I beg you, please…hold my baby tonight. I don’t know how all of that works and I could honestly not care about any theology at the moment. I just need You to hold my baby tonight. And, since You’re God and all…can You hold me, too? I know You’re already there and have been there, but please, just hold us both tonight.

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