Lost Innocence

Over the last week or two, I’ve had a few nights where it’s been really tough for me to fall asleep. I just lay there staring at the ceiling in the dark and my mind runs wild. I try to control it and just get to bed, but sometimes my crazy thoughts have won.

Like, last night. I was tired and not feeling well, so I wanted to fall asleep quickly. But, instead, there I lay replaying the miscarriage over and over in my head. Laying there, despite how nauseous I feel, wondering if I am just an incubator yet again for a baby that has stopped growing.

Last night, I explained to John some of my fears and he responded with, “Yeah, I kinda feel like since we’ve been excited, that we’re just waiting for someone to pull the rug out from under us,”. Oh, how I couldn’t agree more.

At the same time, we are spending each day excited and with a grateful heart for this baby. There are some people that have not and will not see a positive pregnancy test, no matter how hard they pray. I know that to even be pregnant twice, with two precious children, is a gift. Even if “the rug gets pulled out from under us,” I will be thankful for both times having to be pregnant. But, every once in a while, a dark night creeps up on me and I can’t help my mind wandering.

When I had another night like this one about a week ago, I just kept telling John how we never got to fully experience the innocence and well, naivety of a first time pregnancy. We already know and have experienced what bad can happen in a pregnancy on our very first go at it all. I just think it’s different when it’s your first. Listening for a heartbeat has not and probably will never be a fully innocent experience for us. The very first time a heartbeat was searched for, there was none to be found. When the morning rolled around for us to check for this baby’s first heartbeat, it was terrifying. That experience never had the chance to be innocent or fun.

I’m really not complaining about any of this, I just almost feel sad for the little girl I was when I always dreamt of being pregnant. I couldn’t wait to marry the man of my dreams and we would have the most perfect pregnancy resulting in the most perfect first child. I just feel a little saddened for my first baby that he or she never had the chance to grow or for us to hear his or her heartbeat. I feel saddened for this baby that didn’t get the “belly pictures” every week like the first one, or that his/her first ultrasound was a worried one for us or that hearing his/her heartbeat for the first time was terrifying because we didn’t know if we could trust it.

BUT, if nothing else, we are trusting the Lord. We are putting our hope in Him to do what’s best for us and our little baby; no matter what that may mean. We are expecting for God to do great things despite our fears, questions, excitement, or ultimately, ourselves. And, therefore, I think we are in the best place we can be…full reliance on One that is infinitely worth more glory than anyone else

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