On January 2, 2010, John and I saw the little plus sign on a home pregnancy test. It’s funny how this time around, there was no “I feel like I just got hit by a train, in a good way” statements made. We both just commented on how peaceful things seemed and here we go again! And, then, I’m pretty sure we both just went back to bed! Haha. Hey, it was a Saturday morning and sleep sounded good :o) Our precious little one is due on September 13, 2010, which makes me 12 weeks.
The last two months have been a whirlwind of emotions. This new baby has brought some healing and has also brought to mind sad memories of our first pregnancy. Don’t get us wrong, you probably couldn’t meet two more overjoyed people to have a baby on the way. But, this baby and our first one are two completely different human beings. And, therefore, this baby in no way replaces our first one or causes us to “just get over what happened the first time”. I’m not quite sure if a day will ever come that I don’t wonder what our first baby would have looked like. What he or she would have wanted as their favorite after school snack. Etc. But, at the same time, we are so very thrilled at the possible opportunity to get to experience those things with this beautiful baby.
I can honestly say for the first time in my life, that I desire God’s will more than my own. There are many times I have prayed to experience that 100% or wished that I could figure out how to get to that place. And, these last several months, I think I have really begun to understand what it means to carry my cross daily. The strength of the Lord is what got us through our miscarriage and we believe that if the Lord called us to walk that road again, we would continue to pray for the Lord to be glorified. One of our constant prayers lately is that the Lord would do whatever gives Him the most glory with this baby. If that means to take our baby home to Him, than so be it. But, if it means to let this baby enter the world, than so be it. We pray the Lord will give us this baby to raise, but we can truly say we desire His will more than anything else.
Driving the way to the doctors office almost 4 weeks ago for our first ultrasound, John and I were both pretty quiet in conversation. We played Hillsong United’s “Arms Open Wide” and sang it at the top of our lungs. I had tears in my eyes and pondered what the morning might hold. I also thought back on the devastating 2nd ultrasound of our first baby. Such mixed emotions that day. I brought my clinging cross from this post, and clung as the ultrasound began. The very first second or two, I thought I didn’t see the heartbeat. But, then, there it was. A little blob of a baby (hehe) with a flickering image of a heartbeat. Cool as a cucumber, just kickin’ back and hanging out. And, the baby was 8weeks 3days, which was almost a week past when the first baby stopped growing. What a great morning.
Theeeen, I was put in the hospital that same day for dehydration. I was also diagnosed with hyperemesis, which basically means I haven’t been able to stop throwing up. The actual hyperemesis probably lasted a total of 4 weeks. I wasn’t able to keep any food or drink down :o( I’ve lost 4 pounds this first trimester. I’m still trudging through morning sickness now, but am finally getting to the point where I can keep some stuff down. I’ve joked with John that I have been so insanely sick that I haven’t even had the time or energy to worry about if the baby is going to be fine! Haha. So, I guess the extreme yucky feeling has been a blessing in disguise :o)
One week ago we had an appointment and heard the baby’s heartbeat! As most of you remember, that was our appointment where we found out about our first baby. So, it was such a relief when the heartbeat was found right away. Still pumping nice and strong!! That was an amazing day. All of the euphoria had me feeling better the rest of the day! But, then I was yucky again the next day, haha. But, still crazy excited!
I’ll leave it here for now! But,we know two things, 1) we are crazy excited about this beautiful baby, and 2) this little one will grow up knowing that he or she had an older brother or sister that prepared our hearts to love him/her in a way that we probably never could have before
“My whole life is Yours, I give it all, surrendered to Your name, and forever I will pray, have Your way…”