I knew that eventually May 1st would roll around. I also knew that after Christmas, it would be the next big hurdle to get through. And, here we are, the day before the due date that back in August I thought seemed like a million years away.
To put it lightly, today has been rough. I found myself crying my eyes out in random parking lots around town as I was trying to get my list of errands done today. I felt so bad for myself, I splurged and bought myself a pink Snuggie. And, some Rasinets. Take that sadness.
There have been a lot of tears this last week over our first lost baby. It’s funny how I used to think that if a woman just got pregnant again, she would be completely healed about a miscarriage. And, truthfully for some women, that may very well be the case, but it definitely hasn’t been for me. Our current pregnancy has brought healing of the wondering if we would ever be able to hold a pregnancy past the first trimester. But, this baby, in no way, has replaced our first one.
Leaving our apartment last week, to head to our new home in Georgia, was way more difficult than I thought it would be. And, the biggest hurt was that I felt like we were leaving our first baby behind. See, we don’t have much that’s physical to remember that baby. And, that apartment was where I took the tests that told me we were expecting. It was the place that John and I dreamed about what that baby would be like. It was where I couldn’t stop crying and holding my belly the night that we found out our baby was gone. It was where my contractions started the night before my surgery and I had our baby. It was where I recovered from the surgery and questioned if life would ever be the same. It was the place we lit our candle and read Scripture to remember the baby God gave us.
I cried and cried and cried the day we left our apartment. I actually made us leave several hours later than planned that day because I felt that first baby slipping away all over again.
And, now, here I am today, the day before our due date. This is tough. It’s tougher than I thought it would be just a month or two ago. I laid on the floor in our current baby’s room today with our first baby’s scrapbook and cried at first. Then, looking through the unfinished scrapbook, there was a peace. Man, we loved that baby. And, I think Jesus knows that. Plus, God has given us a new baby to share in all of that love. A new baby that God has at least given us 20.5 weeks with while we pray for many more weeks, months, and years.
If you read this tonight or tomorrow (or any day!) do you mind tossing up a prayer for us? Tomorrow is going to be a tough day and we are trying to find a good balance of mourning, remembrance, and a continuance of life for the day. Also, it’ll be John’s first weekend at the services at Dogwood church as the Tech Director, which includes the Saturday night service. So, we want to be ready and willing to invest in people tomorrow night. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!