Bad Mommy

After playing with Jed, I lifted him up to go change his diaper. I bumped his little head on my arm and despite it being the world’s smallest graze in the history of mankind, I felt bad. So, even though I knew I shouldn’t say it…

“Oh, Jed, I’m sorry. I’m such a bad Mommy”

Ella immediately popped her head up from the game she was playing. And, like Jesus with skin on, she looked me straight in the eyes…

“You are NOT a bad Mommy”

Words. They’re powerful, aren’t they? Once something goes from your mind and out your lips, they can bring life or death.

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” -Proverbs 18:21

In all of my time going through counseling since Warner’s loss, I’ve realized how negative my thoughts or words toward myself can become. Even if I make a minor mistake, my brain will go into hyperdrive and act as though all is lost.

“You’ve never been a good wife”
“You’re not even a good mother”
“You’re messing up your kids forever”
“You can’t do that”
“You’ll never make it”
“Look at her, she’s got it figured out and you’re not even close”

It takes time to shut down the thoughts and send them back where they belong… in the pit. But, I’ve come to realize it’s not just about shutting them down and throwing them out, but about replacing them with truth.

“By God’s grace, you are a good wife.”
“By God’s grace, you are a good mother.”
“You’ve handed your kids over to the Lord and they are His”
“You can do all things (that God has called you to) through Christ who strengthens you”
“You will finish the race that God has set before you”
“Don’t compare. Comparison brings despair”

Isn’t it funny that us Mothers who lament and worry and cry that we’re the world’s worst, probably aren’t the worst at all? But, the fact that we even wonder or pray if we’re getting it all right, shows that there is a depth of care for the ones entrusted under us?

How easy it is to look at another Mother and think she’s got it figured out! Then, we look around our house at the crusted oatmeal on the floor, the toys everywhere, the arguments over sharing, the accidental bumped heads and immediately assume we must be failing this whole thing?

After Ella rocked my world with just a few words, I beckoned her over for a hug and a kiss. And, you know what? I should listen to the source…

I am NOT a bad Mommy.

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