**WARNING** If the thought of someone else’s feces makes you uncomfortable, I’d go search around the Internet for a different blog to read today…

Kids are germy. Sooooo germy. The girls are both doing preschool and dance this year. Also known as activities they attend to see how many possible germs they can bring home in one winter season. I swear that my kids have created some kind of contest in their minds of how many pathogens they can hang onto this flu season.

Have you heard the ol’ “I’ve never heard of anyone giving birth with a cold! Lots of women get a cold full term but it always goes away before giving birth! Don’t worry!” speech? Heck, I’ve not only heard that speech, I’ve given it! It’s a lie, folks. A full. on. LIE. I had just knocked the viral pink eye the day before Jed’s birth which was brought on by the cold I was fighting that my sweet little girls picked up from the snot-flying-free preschool. I still had a cough and some sniffles when I had him.

We’ve been recirculating various colds since then and it’s been almost comical. If not for me rocking myself like a baby while holding the can of disinfectant. But, this latest illness to hit the household may be the one to take the cake.

It was a Tuesday like any other Tuesday. Ella was at preschool while Charlotte and Jed at home with me. I decided to get fancy with my day and go to a local baby wearing meeting. I know. Stop it. But, as I’m trying to rush the three of us out of the door, I realize that Charlotte has a stinky diaper. Right on cue. I go to change her and realized it seemed slightly questionable but not enough to stop moving forward. So, after the change, we’re off!

Baby wearing meeting comes and goes. We meet John for lunch at Chipotle and Charlotte is living the dream. We sit down to eat and she barely touches her food. Now, this isn’t the most insane thing for Charlotte because she’s picky. But, NO ONE in their right mind turns down Chipotle chips, including Charlotte. Then, I remember her sketchy diaper.

“Uh oh, please don’t be a sign of our impending doom”

We get home and it begins. Feces upon feces. But, Charlotte still acted mostly normal. Just a whole lot of stanky. Which, led into a whole lot of baths.

Ella comes home from school totally normal. I was actually naive enough to believe we’d contain the nasty to just Charlotte. I’m cute when I live in denial.

We go through our nightly routine and get everyone to bed. Just before 4am, Ella starts crying out and I hand the video monitor to John. Because, well, I don’t do 4am unless someone needs to be breastfed. I barely even remembering the throwing of the video monitor on top of John’s fast asleep body, but somehow, he got the memo and went upstairs while I seamlessly fell back asleep.

Next thing I know, John is standing over me…

“Wake up! I don’t even know what to do next…”

Huh?

“Ella pooped. It’s everywhere. Her bed. Her. The ground. Everywhere. I just didn’t even know what to do…”

I jump up and out of bed thinking “Oh, I’ve got this! It can’t be bad! Thank God that John has me!” Again, aren’t I cute when I’m clueless??

I go tearing up the stairs while John is still standing by my side of the bed in horror. I get up there to find naked Ella in the bathroom, standing in liquid poop that is everywhere. Her entire body weight worth of diarrhea. I yell downstairs to John, “She’s gone again! It’s all over the bathroom floor!”

He yells back to inform me that I am actually incorrect and that was the scene he left in horror. Oh.

Through tired eyes, we managed to get the ground, her body and bed all free of poop. Well, that’s kind of true. I’m really gonna need to rent a carpet cleaner for the trail that led to the bathroom…

This story is not over. This is the set-up for the insanity that followed later. But, because, ain’t nobody got time to read hundreds of words about someone else’s poop, we’re going to break here. Check in tomorrow for the final part of this gross tale!