I have no idea what it is, but when the sun goes down, it seems like any type of sanity I have left goes down with it. So weird. I almost wonder if it has to do with a hormone shift. I know in the evening your body begins to decrease in certain hormones to get you ready for slumber. Maybe my mood has something to do with that? Or maybe it’s just that the nighttime reminds me of how dark things feel right now. Or maybe it’s both!
We went to church today. John took the morning off, so that we could both go to the service together. We slept in a little bit and then got up about 30 minutes before walking out of the door for the 10:45am service. When we walked into the worship center the service had just begun. I had one moment of slight panic when we first walked into the service. It might have all been in my head, but it felt like several people had turned to stare at us (and, even if they were I am sure it was out of care for us and that they were happy to see us). I am not sure if I could have squeezed John’s hand any tighter or walked any faster than I did in that moment. But, all in all, it was good to be in church.
I have been so overwhelmed at how many people have been reading this blog. There are so many more people than the ones that have commented on here. I have gotten so many emails and text messages regarding my blog posts. You are all so very sweet and caring to actually read these things. Honestly, lately it has been to just try and sort through my emotions at the end of the day. But, it is so nice to know that so many of you are following our journey through all of this. I have no idea if we’re handling it right or not, but we appreciate your prayers and support.
One of the things that has made me laugh the most about some of the responses I have received are about “my strength”. I always say to John, “Did they actually read the blog??” A lot of times I feel like I am showing so much of my weakness and my current fragile state. I mean, let’s see here…I ran out of a restaurant yesterday and balled my eyes out in the car! The grief really feels like it’s stronger than me right now. But, even if it is, I do know that Jesus is stronger than the grief.
One of my latest struggles, amongst many, is deciding what to do with our baby stuff. And, by that, I mean the ultrasound pictures, pictures of us headed to the first doctors appointment, pictures of us celebrating the news at Sonic because it was the only thing that sounded good to me at the time, the pictures from me surprising John with the baby news, the card I gave John when I surprised him, the pictures we took every week of my belly so that we could track the growth, the baby book that I began to fill out with information of our baby, etc. I was originally planning to begin the pregnancy scrapbook while still pregnant. I knew that once the baby came, I wouldn’t want to focus on the pregnancy book, but rather the baby’s scrapbook. So, now I am trying to decide if I still make a scrapbook out of what I have. I don’t know if that’s something that would delay the healing process or help me through the healing process.
The reality is and always will be, this was our first baby. We will never again be pregnant for a first time. This was our first time. I will never have that feeling like a train hit me when I read the positive pregnancy test and wondering what it is going to feel like to be pregnant. Sure, I may experience part of that feeling again, but never in a way of how it was for my first. Just like when I surprised John and he about passed out, he may experience that somewhat again but not like the first time. Therefore, I do want to honor my baby and not feel like I am just throwing pictures in a box to try to get it away to forget about it all.
The reality is, I can’t ever forget this. Sure, I hope the pain lessens over time, but this will always be a part of our story. John and I will forever live the story that yes we got pregnant 3 weeks after getting married but we won’t have a baby to hold on our 1 year wedding anniversary. I guess I just need to pray through on what I should do to remember our baby. Whether it’s a scrapbook or something else, I know we should do something.
Well, in closing, I have started to read “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis. He has always been a favorite author and I have been amazed at this book so far. He is so honest and his pain is so real. He wrote the book (well, really it was his journal, he never originally planned to publish it) after his wife died. It’s comforting to read the words of a spiritual giant like Lewis while he walked through a deep valley. I have found so many of his words to be relatable to me right now. And, it’s pretty easy to read (unlike some of his books). If you are going through any type of grief, I would highly recommend this book so far.
I think I am going to try and go to bed at a decent hour this evening. I doubt it, but it’s worth a try. But, once again, thank you all so much for reading and for your precious words of encouragement. John and I are extremely blessed. Even if God did not give us one more thing, He has already blessed us beyond measure. And, for those of you reading that do have children, you hug on those precious kids extra tight today and tomorrow. When you have to get up at 3am again, just know that there is a man and woman in Orlando, Florida that would do anything to be waking up to hold their baby at 3am in May, but they won’t have that chance. Love on those beautiful children and give them a hug from me!