Good grief, it has been like a million years since I’ve updated on here! Life has actually been pretty crazy lately! Lots of turns and shifts and ups and downs…all of which I’m sure I’ll update you on soon enough :o) But, many have wondered how we are doing and I figured it was high time to write on here.
As the New Year rolled in, I remember thinking on the 1st of this year that it’s time to walk in a fresh new start. I also remember driving home and crying my eyes out on the phone with my husband. It was such a jumble of tears and hurt and desire for more healing. I can’t even remember half of that conversation. But, I do remember repeating several times, “I think I’m just really tired and I’m probably hungry for dinner”. And, I think that was true, because I ate a good dinner and went to bed early that night! It’s amazing how much hunger and lack of sleep (see, only 4 hours of sleep the night before) can affect your attitude.
The last month and a half of 2010 have brought more tears over our baby. Yet, there has also come a peace through the tears. Somehow, there has come a great desire to constantly hand things over to Jesus. It’s amazing how such a dark experience can leave you just desiring for the fame of Jesus to be had out of it. I also think as we’re coming to a better, more healed place in all of this, I have wondered if I have suffered well. Did I really do all that I could to push glory to Jesus despite my heartache? I guess I won’t really know the answer to that question until I see my baby again and stand before the Throne.
But, I do know, that regardless of what trials or blessings life can bring, there is only One Name that is greatly to be praised. I want to live my life in a way that continues to show people that Name. I want my little baby’s memory to be one that has encouraged people toward life’s one and only Maker.
And, through it all I have learned, that if Jesus gets more glory from my first baby only living a short time in the womb rather than living any time on this earth, than I can truly say I am glad the Lord is getting the most glory. I don’t expect anyone to understand that statement. I just know that I have fallen more in love everyday with my Savior. And, I believe 100%, for the first time in my life, 100%, that Jesus is better than anything. And, that His control really is so much better than mine.
So, that’s been the last month and a half; emotionally anyways! Life can be heartbreaking sometimes, but honestly, it kinda makes me feel like I am walking through the Bible (which is pretty cool). But, I’m learning how to continue to share Hope with others even when you feel like you’re trying to find hope yourself…