Here I am! I’ve been wanting to write a blog this week and frankly just haven’t had the time. And, each time I’ve tried to process what I might want to write, my head has spun. Right now the house is quiet as everyone is asleep. So, looks like it’s as good a time as any, even if I have no clue what I’m going to write!
Sweet baby boy Josiah Warner was born on Palm Sunday, March 24, 2013, at 4:35pm. He was 8.6oz and 9.25in long. He was beautiful and we kept talking about how much he looked like his sisters! He lived for just under an hour and passed away in our arms.
I never thought I would be holding one of my children as they go to meet Jesus, but it was surprisingly peaceful. Just before he was born, we asked Jesus to come and our room was filled with the Lord’s presence. As many of you know, baby Warner’s name was originally supposed to be John Warner after his daddy. Right before he was born and we knew he was definitely on his way, we decided to change it to Josiah because it means “The Lord Saves”. And, He had.
Several people have told us that they’re sorry for our loss, have shed tears for us, prayed for us, and have said how strong we are for trusting Jesus despite the fact that He didn’t heal me or Josiah Warner. But, I feel like we are doing a disservice to God’s goodness to not explain what we’ve known to be true from the second he was born.
God’s healing came on Palm Sunday afternoon. It came in a much bigger and extravagant way than a mere human could try to fit into words. Josiah Warner had a life that, in ways, I’m jealous over. He was born alive and as healthy as can be for 19 weeks gestation. He got to hear his parents voices on the outside, he got to feel our warm snuggles, he felt our tender kisses on his face, he heard us pray Scripture over him as he left a world of such turmoil and entered into a paradise we cannot fathom yet. He only experienced our loving embrace before seeing Jesus in His fullness and I believe telling him that he’d done a good job, His faithful servant.
How can I stand here and not testify to the miracle that Jesus gave us? Is the sorrow deeper and more painful than I’ve ever known before? Absolutely. But, I can’t help but bow to a God that is infinitely higher than my thinking. He can handle my tears, my sadness, my empty womb.
Josiah Warner’s life has already made an impact on this dark world. How can I not be thankful to be his mommy and for God’s miracle? I’m smack dab in the middle of a massive work God is doing. And, while I have my moments of wishing I get to live out my days with a healthy son on earth rather than this road to walk, He has been nothing but faithful. Jesus asked for His cup to be removed and it wasn’t. I’ve prayed to “become like Him in His sufferings” over the past few years. My cup wasn’t removed either. Now I’m living in the hope that only God can bring. And, what a glorious hope it is!