So, our apartment has somehow been completely invaded by ants. The sneaky little guys must have been trained by the special forces of the military because about a million of them invaded completely unnoticed.

Until now.

Well, the war is on. John ran out to buy our own weapons to destroy them with until we can call the office in the morning to kill these terrorists. Hopefully our little traps will be sneakier than their own tactics and they will take the bait right on back to the queen. Wait…do ants have a queen? Hm, maybe they will win this war after all.

While John is currently on his hands and knees doing some spy work on these little buggers to see if they’re taking on the bait yet, I’ll fill you in on life lately (complete with Dancing With The Stars in the background…and Donny Osmond looks especially creepy this evening) I wanted to tell you guys and show you some pictures of some very special things. Let’s see where to begin…

Do you remember the post several back about the hot pink daisy in a bouquet we received a day after the surgery? Well, in case you never read that post, or need a refresher, here’s another picture:

We received a beautiful bouquet of fall colored flowers from John’s family right after we lost the baby. I love anything fall and it was so pretty. But, I instantly noticed the most odd and out of place flower in a bouquet ever. There was a hot pink daisy among a bunch of garnet and gold. The second I saw it, the second I felt like it was in there for reason. While I was pregnant, especially towards the end, I really began to believe that we were going to have a little girl. So, when I saw the pink flower, I freaked out in my brain. I shared it with John some time before we lit the candle for our baby.

Today John and I headed out to Disney to meet up with some co-workers of the church. It was not really planned on our end because I was supposed to babysit today, but it was cancelled last minute. First, we headed on over to Hollywood Studios (which actually may be John and I’s favorite) and then we made our way to Epcot for the rest of the day.

The beginning of the day, the crew we were with hit up the thrill rides first. I have no shame in the fact that I hate, no loathe, any type of thrill ride. I could care less if other people wanna ride, but not my deal. Therefore, John and I grabbed some ice cream (yuummm, hot fudge is WAY better than Tower of Terror). Then, we wandered and did the Animation Studios tour which we’ve never done before. Once we were wrapping up our non-scary, but rather delightful venture into animation, we met up with the rest of the gang to watch the one and only Indiana Jones show. It’s a pretty cool stunt show, not gonna lie. Sometimes I wish I could do cool stunts like falling off the side of a building, to really land on a bunch of mats. But, let’s face reality, I would rather eat a hot fudge sundae then ride Tower of Terror which poses no real risk, so I would be the most scaredy cat stuntswoman in the world. Anyways, I digress…

So, there we are, Indiana Jones is about to start, we’re in the third row and feeling like we’re practically in the show and I’m holding up the end of the row. It’s about to start, the music is pumping, Indiana is about the make his grand entrance by falling from the ceiling and it all hits me…

Noooo, not now. Please, just not now.

The last time John and I went to the show (which was my first time since I was a little girl) I was pregnant. I was pregnant and only a few people knew. The last time we were there I sat and wondered if our first child would be a little boy. I thought about how much John loved to dress up like Indiana Jones and how, if we had a little boy, we would absolutely need to buy him the whole get-up so he can be just like Indiana! I thought about how much his daddy would love to pretend and play Indiana Jones with his first son.  I thought about how much his daddy would love to sit down with him one day and play him all of his old favorite movies, like Indiana Jones.

Out of nowhere, front and center in a stadium where hundreds of people are excited to be at Disney and to see this cool show, I start to panic. Then, the tears started.

Nooo, I can’t do this here. Not right now…

I look in the two rows in front of us and there are three boys of different ages all in extreme awe as Indiana fell through the ceiling and navigated his way through a bunch of traps set up. They all sat there in the most innocent joy and really witnessed the magic that only Disney can create. And, I sat there crying and remembering that I’ll never get to see my child have that kind of wonder. What things would have made our child react that way? What would he or she have wanted to dress up as? Would he or she be a scaredy cat like me when it comes to rollercoasters or have their daddy’s “not a big deal” attitude about thrill rides?

Why don’t I get to hold my baby?? Why?!

As soon as the tears began to come in thick, I buried my face in John’s chest. I kept thinking, I hope no one sees me, especially the actor’s on the stage! I honestly don’t think anyone saw me, but I was balling my eyes out during a stupid show at Disney. I kept trying to catch my breath and I had so many moments where I thought, “what if I can’t stop crying? Do I run up these metal stairs to try and get away?”

Then, I began thinking of a few random moments of insensitivity we’ve had from several people lately. I have no doubt in my mind that any of those moments were not meant to be harmful to us, but they keep ringing in my head. It keeps haunting me and I sometimes I wonder if it’ll stop blaring in my brain. It’s so hurtful and it’s tough to know the right way to handle it. That’s probably one of the things I am struggling with the most right now. I have no clue at all how to handle that and then I have very selfish moments thinking that I shouldn’t have to handle anything right now except for the loss of our baby. I shouldn’t have to deal with other people saying dumb things or not thinking of me first…how easy is it to think of only yourself admist a trial? Believe me, I still think I’m right about these situations and I can convince you with a million reasons why, but it shouldn’t matter. It is the toughest for me to pursue righteousness in ALL situations when I can barely get out of bed. For lots of people they find it tough to pursue godliness when everything is just going normal, but I don’t always cling to the Lord first in junkiness. That’s when I go,

“Really, Lord? Are you kidding me? This person and that person don’t even love You the way I love You! Haven’t I been through enough before? I mean, seriously. I can give you a list of at least a hundred dark valleys I have walked through while remaining faithful and now this?”

And, I feel His reply ever so softly over and over and over again…

“Jennifer, I need you to trust Me. Look at My word. See anyone mentioned in there that didn’t deal with junk in their own lives? This person and that person that you think are just skating through life, does that really have anything to do with YOUR relationship with ME? I have this under control…

I was there when you were pregnant and didn’t even know it yet…

I was there when I formed those cells to come together and show off how I can create human life…

I was there when you took those tests and almost passed out wondering if you could be a good mom…

I was there when you were so nervous to tell John about your baby that I knew before I laid down the foundations of the earth…

I was there every time you felt ill as I was continuing to form your child…

I was there when you had that first ultrasound and every fear was laid to rest…

I was there when I formed that undying love in you as you watched your baby’s beating heart and saw the little body I had made inside of you…

I was there when I allowed your baby to stop growing and you didn’t even know it yet…

I was there when you cried out to Me on behalf of the child that you didn’t even know was already with Me…

I was there when you were so excited to head to your doctor’s appointment that horrible morning…

I was there when the worst fear you’ve had since a teenager of not being able to have children was realized as you witnessed your child’s heart to be no longer beating…

I was there when you held onto the tissue that used to be your baby at 4:30am that horrible morning…

I was there when you were waiting for your surgery with more fear and devastation than you’ve ever felt before…

I have been there EVERY TIME you have fallen apart, every thought you’ve had of giving up, every insensitive comment from someone else, every conversation where you find it easier to make jokes of your miscarriage rather than deal with the devastating truth, every time you try to act like you have it all together when you would much rather crawl in a hole…

But, more importantly, I have been there every single time you have chosen not to turn to Me with all of your hurts and struggles. I am there and pursuing you when you don’t choose to pursue Me. I love you. And, I love the baby I created for you and John more than you ever could…

Your husband is mine. Your baby is mine. And, YOU are mine. I’m not letting you go that easy. Hang on, we’ll get there…”

Jesus, please, I beg you, please…hold my baby tonight. I don’t know how all of that works and I could honestly not care about any theology at the moment. I just need You to hold my baby tonight. And, since You’re God and all…can You hold me, too? I know You’re already there and have been there, but please, just hold us both tonight.

Has it really been this long since I’ve posted a blog?? I’ve thought about it several times if that counts for anything. There have been so many moments where time seems like it is flying by so fast in a whirlwind and there are other times where it feels like time is not moving at all. This is just such a strange place to be in, but I can’t even explain how happy I get in the random moments of normalcy.

First, I will fill you in on the good stuff that’s been happening lately! Probably the biggest thing has been that I got a part time job! Honestly, I think the only people that even know that are John and my mom. Before we were done housesitting, I had a total freakout moment that we were going back home and I would just be sitting around all day sad. Therefore, I went online and applied to Macy’s for a seasonal part-time job. I interviewed two days later and she hired me on the spot. I was really looking for something that’s not going to be a career or something that I could easily get out of if I hated it. I have already had orientation and tomorrow I have register training. I am actually really excited about it! It’s nice to be looking forward to something. Hey, I decided to pick a hobby where we get some extra cash flow, instead of dishing money out for my momentary lapse of wanting to learn how to decorate cakes. I quickly reminded myself that I have no artistic talent whatsoever and it would probably be smarter to get money rather than spend more of it.

The second positive thing has been my workout schedule lately. I have been working out pretty regularly (which I completely ditched the second I got pregnant, haha). I can already see a little muscle definition in my arms which makes me sing hallelujah! You know how everyone has that one thing about their body where they think, “only if…”. Well, I have always wanted what I call Kate from LOST arms. That’s right, I want to randomly flex, I mean rest my arm over my head against a doorframe and make everyone say whooooa. Don’t judge. And, I can say that I am closer now to that than I have ever been. Still not to the Kate from LOST status, but I’ll keep ya updated.

The third positive thing would be the extra special gifts we have gotten recently. I want to dedicate a whole post to these two items, so I’ll leave it there for now! The truth is, I want to take pictures of them and post them on here when I write about it. And, right now, I am too lazy to do that :o)

Now, for the yuckiness of life lately…

Last Tuesday evening, three weeks to the day that we found out our precious baby stopped growing, I completely lost it. Isn’t strange how you can think that you’ve reached a certain milestone of being okay and then completely lose it all over again? Not even kidding y’all, one would’ve thought I had just found out. I had no idea I could cry like that again. The same kind of non-understandable noises I made the night of the miscarriage, came back again. I mean, I thought that kind of stuff was only movie material. Apparently not. John peeled me off the floor (I am pretty sure he thought something else was wrong in the beginning because it was so sudden, before I knew it was crying and screaming no, then hit the floor) and I laid down in bed. I tried to go to sleep and every time I closed my eyes, images were flooding through my brain all over again. Total, complete panic and heartbreak like the very first night. And, it just felt like everything was blurry. Again. I watched a bunch of TV with John until I finally passed out at who knows what time.

The next day (last Wednesday) was another complete blur. No shower. No makeup. Nothing but a t-shirt and gym pants. I know I smelled horrible. And, I don’t doubt that I looked a mess. It’s so funny though how when you’re in the middle of something, you could stinking care less if you are presentable or not. I somehow found strength to go to church that night and when I came home and looked in the mirror, I had a flash to looking in the mirror the day of my surgery. I literally had no sleep the night before the surgery and when we had the miscarriage. When I looked in the mirror that day, I wanted to just cry all over again because I really didn’t know someone could even physically look as heartbroken as I did that day. Well, apparently it can make a second appearance because last Wednesday was pretty rough, too.

I can honestly say that I did not walk that week with as much grace (if you want to call it that) as I did the week we actually did get the news. I have struggled through this, I am not going to lie to you. BUT, I can say that God has given my strength even in the moments where I refuse to recognize that it is coming directly from Him. He really is jealous for me. And, I feel it. Even when I don’t want to know He’s there, He shows up. There are some days where I feel like I am hanging by a thread, but I do know the One that’s holding that thread.

There are some moments, in such extreme pain, that I find myself wondering if I will ever “get over this”. I mean, “Come on, Jennifer. Big deal. You’ll get the chance to have a baby one day. Other people have gotten through it without all of this fuss. There are so many people that didn’t even know you were pregnant, so it’s not even worth your own thought” Some moments, I feel so pulled in two directions. I know those thoughts are crazy, you don’t have to tell me it’s okay, I know the truth. It’s just hard to feel the truth sometimes. I just need to ignore those thoughts or when someone is so completely insensitive (whether they realize they are or not), I need to let myself just be in those moments. John is so much at discernment. I have always declared that is the last of my spiritual gifting. Well, maybe mercy is the least and then discernment right above it :o) But he’s so much better about sifting through dumb thoughts or people’s intentions. Maybe it’ll rub off on me some!

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since we found out the news. Once again, feels like time is rushing by one day and the next it feels like time is standing still. But, despite my total breakdown last week, productive time really is helping to heal. And, I say productive meaning that John and I have both taken active parts in working through our grief rather than pushing it aside. Because, I do not believe that time heals anything. But, I think if you do things to heal, then over time, it helps. We’re getting there, even though I would still consider myself pretty unstable, haha.

Love y’all and thank you for the continued prayers!! It helps to know that our precious little one was so loved :o)

Late last night, John said to me, “It’s been a while since you’ve written a blog, right?” I laughed at the thought that ‘it’s been a while’ for a blog has become a mere two days, haha. The past two days have been full of roller coaster ups and downs. For part of the day I’ll feel great and the other part of the day I’ll feel terrible. Dr. Peppy informed us that after the D&C it’ll probably take 2 weeks before my hormones begin to equal out again. Two weeks will be tomorrow, so it’ll be interesting to watch my moods the following week.

I have officially been in the anger phase of grief since about 2 days after the surgery. The funny thing is, I only have momentary lapses of being angry with God. I mostly just get mad at other people. The guy on the road that cut us off and laughed about it, the morons (excuse my name-calling) at Sears that could not seem to get their act together to help me simply get my oil changed so my mom could take me shopping to get my mind off of life, the retarded vacuum cleaner that I almost tripped over the other day, people’s comments (even though they probably don’t realize how bad it sounds) and the list goes on and on and on…In normal life, I can get pretty much keep my act together. But, right now, I feel like I need to purchase a punching bag to take out all of my anger. So, if you see me start to tense up, just run!! You might end up in my line of fire… ;o)

So, with all of the ridiculous-ness and my ticked off-ness, I have decided to make a list of all of the roses among the thorns lately. There have been so many tiny (and HUGE) blessings along the way that I can so easily dismiss when I start to get mad at the morons (whoops, am I still namecalling?) at Sears…

1) At 7 weeks 4 days, John and I rushed to the doctor’s office because I had some bleeding and cramping. That’s when everything was completely normal with baby Phillips. A strong heartbeat and growth on track. When the doctor had examined me before that ultrasound, he had told us that if we didn’t see a heartbeat, we would not think the worst, but try to sit down and play around with the due date, maybe it just wasn’t time for the heart to beat yet. If our little one’s heart had not been beating yet, we probably would’ve had to wait at least a week for another ultrasound to check on the little one. That week would have been torturous, heck, that one day of questioning was terrible enough. So, John and I have both said how happy we were that our first ultrasound was okay.

2) We were both glad (doesn’t seem like the right word considering the situation, but you get the idea) that we were blindsided with the situation in the best way. We weren’t planning on the ultrasound that day and we didn’t suspect one bad thing. I mean, John wasn’t even going to come to that appointment! I told him to just skip it, I am so glad that God changed my mind to have him come to that visit. If we would’ve found out the bad news that first ultrasound, we were already a wreck so it probably wouldn’t have been the best. But, the fact that we were blindsided, kinda helped us from wailing and making a scene in the doctor’s office.

3) Also, I began to bleed a little right after that doctor’s appointment (when we found out) and the very next night, the heavy bleeding began. I could not imagine the terror if our doctor’s appointment was just a few days later, we thought nothing was wrong, and then I started bleeding and cramping so heavy in the middle of the night. God timed our doctor’s appointment perfectly with us finding out the news.

4) As strange as this sounds, we are glad I began bleeding and had the baby at home the day before the D&C. We strongly felt the D&C was the right decision (and still do), but we were glad that the Lord let us experience both. That way, we didn’t have any second guesses if our little one still had a chance or not.

5) God gave us a wonderful doctor that we had never even met 3 months ago. He has been excited with us, mourned with us, and cheered us on for the future. I actually shadowed an obstetric unit for a week in my pre-med days and I know how woman after woman comes in with miscarriages. I know that Dr. Peppy sees healthy pregnant women all the time and also has to break bad news to people all the time. Yet, it doesn’t change his level of excitement or his level of grief for each individual baby. It’s been nice to feel like a friend instead of just another patient. Is it weird that the only reason I have wanted to get pregnant again right away is to be back in Dr. Peppy’s office? Don’t tell him how weird I am :o)

6) John and I have the strongest marriage of any 3 month newlywed I have ever met! In our extremely short time of marriage, we have celebrated the excitement of having our first child. We dreamt together of whom our child will take after, will he or she have curly hair?, and how much we loved a clump of splitting and reproducing cells. And, we have also walked the torment of losing our first child. We never prepared for this road before we got married and I think we’ve done pretty good. We have balled our eyes out together, we’ve done our best to be strong when the other one is weak, we have had our arguments out of grief where we both just end up crying because we’re just dealing with that anger I talked about, and we have lifted each other up before the Lord when the one doesn’t have strength to lift their own self up. I had NO idea that I could ever love John more than I did on our wedding day. Wow, was I wrong! I thought I loved him then, but I would walk the lowest of valley’s with that man any day (even though I hope for more mountaintops!).

7) Our housesitting gig, while completely crazy at times, has been a good thing. I had my surgery on Thursday and that Sunday was our first day of housesitting. It’s been good to not be at home. I am a little scared to go back and be there every day, but God will give me the strength when it’s time. But, our housesitting was at the perfect time to feel like I am on a mini vacation! It’ll be even better tomorrow when I am finally allowed to go swimming in their pretty pool :o)

8) We kept our pregnancy a secret in the beginning for a reason. If we happened to miscarry we didn’t want a million people saying how sorry they were (still feel that way), BUT our story has helped a lot of people. I have been shocked at how many texts, Facebook messages, emails, calls, etc I have received from people that have found some solace in these blog posts. Honestly, I began writing my feelings on here because it was easier to tell people to go check the blog rather than say our baby died. And, it’s been helpful for me to think through my feelings every day and get them written out. And, we decided to make these journals public because that way I don’t have to answer a hundred questions of how we are doing. Also, it’s easier for out of town family to feel like they are walking this right next to us to know how we’re doing everyday. But, I had no clue how many people would be encouraged in the Lord through some of my ramblings on here. And, the coolest thing is that most of those people are not dealing with a miscarriage right now but some have a husband that walked out on them, some are dealing with depression, some have a long term illness, some have just plain not been following Jesus in everything that they should, and the list goes on. So, even though I was really upset at first that God would allow us to tell people about our pregnancy and then a week later find out all of this, He knew what He was doing. He knew that people needed to watch us go through our grief so that they may grow closer to the One that created them (and our baby!). It has been crazy to see some of the responses and know that I am praying for you!

9) The Lord has shaken me up to realize my always constant desperate need of Him. My quiet times were haphazard during the pregnancy and my reason was because I was “just too sick”. I think my prayer life kept up enough to par, but reading my Bible and my involvement in church dwindled. Now, while I do believe there is some validity to being too sick for some things and God understands, I knew I could have done more and God was asking me to and I didn’t. God forgives and I have moved past that, but God has used this yucky situation to realize that I am always in desperate need of Him. Yes, I really do mean always…good times and bad times, just as much desperate need of Him. God is teaching me a lot and I am thankful for that.

10) Last, but not least, the Lord gave us the most precious first child we could have ever asked Him for. The last two days I have thought a lot about the fact that this child had the chance to go straight to Heaven. I mean, could a mother really ask for anything more? My baby never had to learn from me how to follow Jesus, baby Phillips now has the chance to learn from Jesus Himself. Of course I still wish I had the chance to teach Jesus to our little one, but our foremost prayer before this child was even conceived was that our children would come to know the Lord at an early age. While I never imagined this would happen, our first baby followed Jesus at such an early age! And, in the words of King David after he lost his baby, “But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.” (2 Samuel 12:23) Yes, I wish our baby could come back to me, but instead I will go to you one day baby Phillips.

I am not sure that the weather could be any more perfect right at this moment. I just let the dogs out to do their business (still housesitting) and I didn’t want to come back inside. The sun is beginning to set, so there’s a perfect glow and a crisp wind blowing around. I can’t believe how perfect those few moments felt. No near panic attacks (like earlier today at church), no saddened heart over what’s been lost, no wondering what our next step should be, no avoiding phone calls like I’ve done the last 24 hours (I love all of you, I’m just not sure I have much to say right now), no sadness, just a momentary feeling like all was right with the world. I wish I could just bottle up this weather so that whenever I have a day like this one, I can at least have the weather to cheer me up. Even if it’s just a few moments of feeling like my life isn’t completely upside down, I’ll take it!


Today was another day where I woke up and knew it wouldn’t be good. But, I really did my best to push that feeling away and get excited for church. Yes, I have made it the last two weeks. John and I saw our senior pastor in the back hallway right as the service was beginning. He spotted us and the second he made eye contact with us, I had to fight tears. I was pretty close to losing it in the hallway. Golly, how quickly I can turn from holding it all together, to near meltdown. It just felt so safe to be upset right in that moment. Our senior pastor is an extremely caring and godly man, so it felt okay to have a weak moment in front of him. He told us he had been praying for us (he called John last week and prayed over the phone) and we are meeting with him tomorrow morning. I’m looking forward to it, I think it’ll be good. And, I still plan to follow my no mascara rule of the last two weeks, because I never know when I am going to cry! While black tears would probably accurately show how I feel, the streaky aftermath is not so attractive :o)


Church got me thinking today about joy. I sat down in the back row (so many back row Baptists jokes went through my head as we sat there today, but I digress…) and stayed in my seat while I everyone reached their feet and clapped over God giving joy in the middle of bad times. I am not joyful right now and I think that’s okay. Follow me here…I have a lot to be joyful about and I am grateful to the Lord for so many blessings (including many blessings He has given through this storm). But, I am not to the stage of dancing around the building in rejoicing to the Lord. The Bible says to “Rejoice always and again I say rejoice”, but, I also know that there is a “time and season for everything under Heaven”, including grief. Like I said earlier, “weeping may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning”. Currently, I am still in the nighttime. And, I believe that God’s okay with that. You know how I know?


Jesus.


Before He died on that cross, He asked the Father if there was any way that cup could be removed from Him. He wasn’t exactly doing cartwheels of joy in the garden when He was getting ready to die for the sins of the world. The Father let Him know that this was the only way. And, Jesus did it. I don’t believe He did through rejoicing that He was so glad He could through this. His rejoicing in those horrendous hours, were through His obedience. He displayed His love for God and for creation by simply walking where God told Him to walk, even when He didn’t want to. And, that’s what I am doing. I’ve already asked God if there was another way (after that dreaded ultrasound) and you know what? He said no. Is it the way I wanted to do things? Absolutely not. But, the only thing I know, is that I am walking the road God Himself has asked me to walk on. And, it ain’t pretty. But, the cross wasn’t pretty either. That tomb didn’t start out very pretty either. But, because of the obedience of Jesus, that tomb AND that hideous cross, became the most beautiful symbols this world could ever see. Oh, praise God that Sunday came in full glory! My Sunday is not here yet, but I know that it will. I know that God has the ability to ask us to walk dark roads, but that ability also takes our dark roads and “works it together for good”.


I’ve already seen small glimpses of God’s ‘working together for good’ business, but I know there’s more. I also know there’s a lot more that I won’t see or understand this side of Heaven. And, Jesus felt even lower than me at a point in time. Therefore, I think He was okay with the fact that I didn’t jump to my feet with “hallelujah’s” this morning. But, He sees my heart pursuing Him and chasing Him and just flat out needing Him right now. He’ll bring the joy back in my life. He already gave me a glimpse tonight when I just stepped outside for a few minutes.


I am so thankful that Jesus gave me a true picture of brokenness. It’s okay to be broken and to ask for a way out, but if that way out doesn’t come, you walk that road. And, at the end of the hurtful road, God works it all out to be a beautiful picture of how He redeems things for good. Oh Lord, redeem this situation for good!!!

My husband turned my blog into something pretty! I just love it! One more reason why I love my husband: he knows how to do computer stuff, while I just give up after one try, haha. So, thank you Mr. John Phillips for making my blog all beautified!

You know how some days you wake up and just know it’s going to be a yucky day? That was me today. Literally, from the second I woke up, I felt sad. I mean, come on! Usually it takes a good 30 minutes or an hour until I realize that nothing has changed and my baby is still gone. But, this morning, my lovely brain decided to remind me of the truth within 10 seconds. I sincerely have moments where I freak out and think that these feelings will never end. For example, today I thought much about if or when we get pregnant again. Will I still miss my first baby this much? Every time I take my child to Sunday school or marvel at his/her first steps, will I wish that I also had the chance to see my first baby do those things? Sure, I believe that time will heal a lot, but will I ever really get over the fact that I never got to hold my first child? I don’t really believe that there are answers to these questions, but this is just a dumb situation.

Today, John and I went to Disney’s Animal Kingdom. I wanted to get out of the house and kick my sad attitude in the butt. Didn’t work as well as I would have liked. But, John and I did share some laughs, so I guess it was still worth it. But, several times, when I saw a pregnant woman or a newborn I wondered why I didn’t get the chance to have this baby? Once again, not the idea of being pregnant or having a baby (I am praying God blesses us with that in the future), but why I couldn’t have THAT baby, my FIRST child. Luckily, those thoughts never stay long. Usually, pretty quickly, the Lord reminds of the fact that He’s in control and He has a plan and purpose for every child He has ever created, including my baby. I have no idea what my baby’s plan or purpose was, but I am sure it has something to do with teaching mommy and daddy some lessons in how to pursue Jesus on a greater level.

If today wasn’t ridiculous enough, I can barely walk. That’s right, I am hobbling around like someone that had leg surgery a week ago and not a D&C. Yesterday was a pretty good day, John and I just lounged around all day. It was nice to rest all day because the last few days were pretty tiring. I got the bright idea to begin my workout regimen again in full speed. I am officially insane! I can’t even describe how sore I am right now! I did Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred DVD yesterday and I think that my ultimate problem is that I used weights that were too heavy. Also, I just plain pushed myself too hard. For the first time ever working out, I felt extremely sick to my stomach. It took about an hour before I felt normal again. Originally I planned to begin the workout every day. But, there was no possible way I could have done that again today. As soon as I’m not this sore, I’ll pick back up on the workouts.

Now, for the happier parts of my day! God provides blessings even during heartache. God is still good, even when I complain for most of the day. Well, I got my bracelet today!! Remember the one I told you about? It has three charms, one representing when we conceived (including a crystal in the color of the month we conceived, August), one representing when our baby was transformed (including a crystal of the month we miscarried, October), and one representing when our baby was supposed to be due (including a crystal of the month of our due date, May). I love it! It turned out so well and I am glad it’s on my wrist already. Here is a picture!

Here is my new beautiful bracelet! I found it at www.myforeverchild.com

Another blessing today was a package I received from a family that recently moved away from Orlando. I was so blown away that they took the time to send us a gift! It is so precious and I am so taken aback that they thought of us. They sent us “The Clinging Cross”. It is a cross that is shaped and formed to fit inside the palm of your hand. It was made to have a tangible way to hold onto the cross when you’re going through a tough time. I love it! It fits so perfectly in the palm of my hand and I have no doubt that I’ll use it a lot in the near future. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if I use it a bunch tonight. Thank you so much for our beautiful gift, Mr. and Mrs. Murray! Here are some pictures!

Today has been a little bit better. I had my post-op appointment and it was great to see my doctor today. He is so precious and we are very thankful for him. He answered every question we had and he was so tenderhearted to us. It was a good appointment, although we had an interesting encounter at the reception desk. The lady said, “Oh, you’re here for post-partum, where’s your baby?!” She seemed so excited, I wasn’t quite sure how to respond. It didn’t make me upset at all, it never makes me upset to get congratulations. People are excited for us, they just don’t know that we’re not excited any more. I never know how to explain the truth of our situation now. I just don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. So, I just responded with an awkward, “Well, we miscarried our baby,” and she seemed apologetic and quickly dropped the subject. I told Dr. Peppy about it laughingly and he felt sad for us. I told him that it really was fine.

I had one almost breakdown today in the middle of Target. Can we say awkward?? I randomly decided that I wanted a new pair of jeans for today. I already had a new top that I had bought on clearance before we knew anything was wrong with baby Phillips. It’s nice and baggy (part of the style) and figured it would be a good one for a growing belly in our near future. Well, I decided I wanted to wear that today, but that I wanted some cute jeans to go with it. I figured that if I felt cute today walking into that doctor’s appointment, it would help to know that I will conquer all of this sooner.

Of course I decided to go to Target when I only had about 20 minutes to shop before I needed to get home and get ready for the appointment. And, of course they didn’t have exactly what I was looking for. Um, how in the world did I forget that I HATE going jean shopping on a really good day, so why would I go when I’m in the middle of all of this? I called John in a panic. I started tearing up and pacing around the store (I am sure I freaked out any nearby customers). He encouraged me to just get the pair that kind of fit and that if I didn’t like them with my shirt, we could return them. So, I did. And, got a necklace in case the jeans were a bust :o) The jeans look great with the shirt and they will fit a little better when I lose my now remaining two pounds!

I didn’t get the chance to tell all of you about what John and I did last night. I got a little sidetracked with letting everyone know to please not share their miscarriage story to us, unless I ask for it right now. And, I do still stand by that right now. Please try and understand. But, anyways, I digress :o)

We went to Michael’s last night (with no coupon, blah! I was cringing!). We bought a beautiful white pillar candle and a cute silver stand for it. We plan to use it tomorrow, October 15th, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day. The idea is to have people light a candle at 7:00pm in remembrance of all of the babies that have been lost and that there would be a candle lit all over the world the entire day. John and I will be lighting our beautiful, new candle tomorrow night in remembrance of our first child. I think it’s going to provide a lot of healing. It didn’t take us too long to pick out the candle and stand which I am grateful for. I thought I would breakdown during the process, but it was actually healing to pick out the candle to honor our baby with. We would love for you to light a candle tomorrow evening in remembrance of baby Phillips and all of the babies that have been lost due to miscarriage and many other sad things of our fallen world. And, please let us know if you participate, we would love to hear about it.

Also, we bought a beautiful baby scrapbook. We decided to go ahead and make the scrapbook of all of our memories from this pregnancy. I just remember thinking that this was the last time I could buy anything for this baby. What a devastating thought. But, I held it all together and it was such a beautiful experience to pick out pretty stickers for the book. Normally with scrapbooks, I pick the cheapest stickers and get whatever is on sale. This time, I went out of my normal clearance buying self and bought the stickers that I felt were just perfect. I also loved the fact that John helped to pick everything out as well. He did such a great job and contributed to so much of it. I loved that it was the both of us trying to figure out the best way to remember our baby. So, overall it was such a healing experience and just confirmed the fact that we are supposed to do the book. If we do have children later on, we will be able to show them the book and explain to them that they have an older brother or sister that is now in Heaven.

We love all of you very much! Seriously, I cannot even explain how precious all of you are. And, I have heard so many heartbreaking stories from so many of you, including many that are not pregnancy related. I am glad to know that the Lord is using our healing process to heal others of so many different things. Just keep praying for us as we are beginning to feel like we are actually able to get through the day now. Heck, I did my hair today and actually put some powder on my face! The pain still runs deep but there’s been a comfort in the mundane things of returning back to the same schedule as before all of this happened.

I can’t even begin to imagine Heavens lullabies, but am so glad that baby Phillips is experiencing it right now. We love you precious baby!