Jedidiah

Jed’s Star Wars Nursery

After Warner passed away, one of the more difficult things for John was not being able to share his love of Star Wars with him. So, when we found out that our next baby was our Jed{i}, I decided that he needed a Star Wars nursery. But, Google and Pinterest carried a lot of tacky. And, while I’m not the classiest person in the world, I can’t do full-on tacky. So, despite never even seeing all of the movies when I decided on his room, I was bound and determined to make his room look cool! We were on a tight budget, but I’m really glad how it turned out. Enjoy!

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Six Months

Six months ago, my water had broken and it was time to welcome Little Man. It was the first {full term} time that I was in tears and not sure if I could do it. Anxiety, sadness, and fear threatened to choke the joy I didn’t even know was coming.

What if I didn’t bond with him over a fear of losing him, too? What if something does happen and we lose him? Will I keep checking the clock for the 45 minute marker after he’s born? What if each contraction pain reminds me of the last time I dealt with labor pains? 

Those were some of the questions plus many more that I had during Jed’s pregnancy. And, they all seemed to rush over my mind at 2am on a Tuesday morning. How would I walk back into a delivery room when I know what it’s like to walk out of one without your baby?

A friend came over to watch the girls and I bet she’s never seen such an unsure mother walking out the door to head to the hospital. Especially for a mother that’s birthed three before that night. But, we did what we could and snapped an awkward picture of myself before heading to the hospital. One of the very few pictures I even have to document our rainbow baby’s pregnancy.

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It was cold outside, but not too cold. The 20 minute drive to our chosen hospital was a bit surreal and then we were at the emergency room entrance {after hours entrance for L&D}. After a few contractions and some paperwork in triage, we were up to the room that I had feared for nine months. The room that held the ushering in of new life and our family’s next phase.

My admitting nurse would be off her shift very soon, but not before I cried all of the tears. Bless her soul, she seemed fairly new at her job and unsure how to handle a Mama that wasn’t decided if she could birth this baby without a broken heart. But, time marched on, as it always does, and the superstar nurse that would all but deliver our Jedidiah arrived.

She calmed me each time Jed’s heart rate dropped, which was quite a few times {and, the first time for this Mama to experience it at any of my births}. She explained and smiled and encouraged. She didn’t seem at all thrown by my obvious discomfort. And, discomfort of the body, any labor nurse is familiar. But, a discomfort deep down and beyond any explanation, takes a person placed by the Lord to be able to walk with a stranger.

I flipped through “Jed’s Birth Book” as I called it and read the Scriptures. God gave us many verses in our time with Him and God used others to give us even more. I spent the last couple of weeks before Jed’s birthday hand-making each page that I would flip through while he was about to enter a hurting family.

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John and I prayed over that room, those nurses, the doctor, and our baby. I would stop during a contraction and John would pick right up and continue praying. I’m not sure I’ve ever begged God for peace like I did that day. And, He brought it. Everything seemed to shift and we knew we had limited time until our lives would change forever. Again.

Four hours later, things got intense. Sweet nurse perfectly placed stays calm and declares that it’s time to have a baby. There was no time to wait for a doctor. Lots of nurses screaming for anyone that could come in and help. A heartbeat barely detected on a monitor, oxygen masks flying on, and lots of hard pushing. Everyone begins to look worried and I had a flash of “it’s happening again”. But, God is good and brings a deep peace that only He can. Doctor runs in just on time, and Jed is out. Sunny side up and out at an angle. But, out.

“Is he okay?!” There was nothing else to scream.

Then, Little Man peed everywhere and everyone laughed. But, me.

Is. he. o.kay.?

Then, baby cries…what every Mom looks for to know that her baby is okay. Screams and cries and all is well with the world.

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I have never been so bonded so fast after having one of my babies. By the grace of God and the answer to many prayers, Jedidiah John was born to a Mama that was deeply in love with him. In the moments following his birth, he brought joy into a family that had been full of intense sorrow.

There may have never been a more scared Mama that entered that hospital room. But, there may have never been a more deeply grateful Mama that left that room.

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For the last six months, Jed has given everyone in our family a renewed sense of God’s faithfulness. God was good in the really bad. And, He’s been good in the really good. I rarely set Jed down and I don’t care how anyone {outside of our little family} feels about it. Jedidiah is one of our gifts of joy in the sorrow. He won’t always want to snuggle and while he does, I’m not putting that baby out of my arms.

And, what’s even better? While I snuggle him, his Daddy and sisters come in even closer. We all want a part of the gift that is Jed and for a few moments every day, it’s as though the world isn’t broken. God has taken the time to bring some beauty from ashes, this side of Heaven. And, we’ll spend the next six months continuing to marvel at how every single good gift is from Him.

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Coffee Beans

So, I’ve never been a coffee fan {cue all of the coffee lovers running with their lit torches ready to harm me}. It’s just never really been my thang. I only ever drank speciality coffee that was so doused in flavorings and sugar that it was difficult to realize that coffee was even hidden in it.

Once Jed was born, I quickly realized that I may need to learn to love coffee. One morning I stumbled into the kitchen after a long night and tossed around stuff on the “coffee shelf” that has everything needed for guests. I grabbed a bag of coffee beans that was given to us from a friend in Orlando. I proceeded to grind the coffee beans in our blender (which I’m still unsure if that’s what you’re supposed to do) and made a pot of coffee. That was my first time ever making a pot of coffee and drinking it myself.

No one ever explained to me that hot coffee on a cold morning when you were up all night and now have three Littles to care for is God’s gift to Mama’s everywhere. It is Heaven’s elixir. I’m on the road to studying up to become one of those super annoying people that discuss different kinds of roasts and coffee making processes. You know the type.

But, here’s the beauty in it all, as I drank the coffee, I remembered why we were gifted it. Our dear friend sent it to us after Warner died. (Coffee beans don’t expire, right?? I’m okay.)

And, now, here I was, savoring every drop as it helped me to wake up for the newborn days of our latest son. Two brothers connected in their Mama’s heart through a simple cup of coffee.

God met me in the mess over a cup of coffee. Exhaustion, hormones, pajamas, and crazy hair weren’t too much for me to have a moment with God because of a friend’s gift. Isn’t that like me? To think that a moment with God has to be some extravagant affair with a huge take-away.

But, it’s in the moments over a gifted cup of coffee after a long night behind and a long day ahead, that God speaks volumes. I’ve just got to be willing to look and to see and to accept the invitation right where I’m at. It wasn’t long before a child was crying and the coffee was gone, but weeks later and I’m still amazed at how God weaves Warner throughout our family story. And, how dear friends have chosen to walk our hurt with us. Also, how quickly one can become addicted to coffee every morning..

An Announcement!

With humble and grateful hearts, we announce the latest member coming to our family!

So far, all is well with baby. No clots, growing perfectly and strong heartbeat!

Emotionally, we’ve been a bit all over the map. Which, is to be expected. We really couldn’t feel more blessed to be given another baby. But, the ache for Warner is still there. And, it will be forever. He’s part of our family and each joy longs to have him here to share in it.

Physically, I’ve been doing well pregnancy-wise. But, I’ve had some pretty major GI problems preceding this pregnancy and unfortunately have not been going well. My OB has already mentioned a trip to a GI doctor this pregnancy and it looks like that will likely be necessary. It’s all been pretty rough on my body and is starting to take it’s toll on me mentally. But, each day we hope for some pockets of feeling well.

I don’t talk about my stomach issues often. Mostly because it feels a little impossible to explain the depth to which I have problems. And, I don’t ever want to come off as complaining. But, we’ve also reached the point where we realize that it’s gotten bad enough to petition others for prayer. I was scheduled for one test in particular and then found I was pregnant, and it had to be postponed. And, now we’re looking at possibly performing the procedure in the second trimester. Because, at this point, the benefits seem to outweigh the risks. But, that is all still to be determined.

It’s a little overwhelming to be 28 and to have enough unexplained health issues that I am often unable to participate in normal life stuff. The Lord has been teaching me a lot to not worry about tomorrow. I’ve done everything the MD’s and the naturopathic doctor have suggested to very little avail. We really do believe we’re in a position where it’s entirely up to God’s mercy on whether He chooses to heal me or not. We are obviously praying with great fervor that He heals me and are continuing forward with the doctors.

If you think about it and pray for our sweet baby or for my health, we’d be ever grateful! I don’t know why it’s so difficult to expose my health issues, maybe because you all have prayed us through a lot already! I’m amazed at the care and nurture that so many have showed us over the last few years. The body of Christ is a beautiful thing!