Good grief, it has been like a million years since I’ve updated on here! Life has actually been pretty crazy lately! Lots of turns and shifts and ups and downs…all of which I’m sure I’ll update you on soon enough :o) But, many have wondered how we are doing and I figured it was high time to write on here.

As the New Year rolled in, I remember thinking on the 1st of this year that it’s time to walk in a fresh new start. I also remember driving home and crying my eyes out on the phone with my husband. It was such a jumble of tears and hurt and desire for more healing. I can’t even remember half of that conversation. But, I do remember repeating several times, “I think I’m just really tired and I’m probably hungry for dinner”. And, I think that was true, because I ate a good dinner and went to bed early that night! It’s amazing how much hunger and lack of sleep (see, only 4 hours of sleep the night before) can affect your attitude.

The last month and a half of 2010 have brought more tears over our baby. Yet, there has also come a peace through the tears. Somehow, there has come a great desire to constantly hand things over to Jesus. It’s amazing how such a dark experience can leave you just desiring for the fame of Jesus to be had out of it. I also think as we’re coming to a better, more healed place in all of this, I have wondered if I have suffered well. Did I really do all that I could to push glory to Jesus despite my heartache? I guess I won’t really know the answer to that question until I see my baby again and stand before the Throne.

But, I do know, that regardless of what trials or blessings life can bring, there is only One Name that is greatly to be praised. I want to live my life in a way that continues to show people that Name. I want my little baby’s memory to be one that has encouraged people toward life’s one and only Maker.

And, through it all I have learned, that if Jesus gets more glory from my first baby only living a short time in the womb rather than living any time on this earth, than I can truly say I am glad the Lord is getting the most glory. I don’t expect anyone to understand that statement. I just know that I have fallen more in love everyday with my Savior. And, I believe 100%, for the first time in my life, 100%, that Jesus is better than anything. And, that His control really is so much better than mine.

So, that’s been the last month and a half; emotionally anyways! Life can be heartbreaking sometimes, but honestly, it kinda makes me feel like I am walking through the Bible (which is pretty cool). But, I’m learning how to continue to share Hope with others even when you feel like you’re trying to find hope yourself…

For those that know me, I am an insane rule-follower. I am a task-oriented person, a total overachiever, and I hate for anyone to think I have failed at something. With all of that, it is very easy for me to slip into legalism with faith. But, with the help of my freedom loving husband, I have stretched out of my legalism a lot more over the last year and a half.

I’ve always been one to exclaim to people looking for advice about what to do in a possible sinful situation, that plainly put, God loves obedience. And, when you don’t want to be obedient, you just do it anyways. Pray for your heart and attitude to align with your actions and God always seems to bless it.

But, then comes the issue of suffering.

I can easily say without hesitation or questioning of myself (which I tend to do a lot, thanks to my overachiever-ness) that I have walked more dark valleys than I have sung from the mountaintops. I could list everything out and make you feel bad for me, but that’s pathetic and not the point I want to focus on. But, I would like to say, with God’s help, for the most part, I clung to the Lord in the nasty times and have remained obedient. Even when, time after time, the suffering that I have found myself in has been nothing that I could even remotely control. And, believe me, I have majorly screwed up before, but I’m talking in general here. And, I’m not talking about the kind of suffering that’s because of a consequence to my own sin. It’s interesting how quickly people will proclaim their life as hard, but really it’s just different consequences to different sins they have found themselves in. I am not saying consequences are easy, they stink, BAD. But, they are also expected and simply make sense for a just and fair God.

The kind of suffering I am talking about now, is the kind where you’ve “done everything right” (quotations because, of course we are imperfect and will absolutely never do everything right), but things still go south. The kind of suffering that makes absolutely no sense when written on paper. The kind where there just isn’t a dang reason for it, yet, just like Job’s friends in the Bible, everyone tries to come up with an excuse for why it has happened…”well, God must be trying to teach them this…” “well, they must have committed this sin…” “well….well….well….”

There are some days, over the last three months, where I have been overwhelmingly honored that the Lord would allow me to endure this trial. He has deemed John and I worthy and able to handle this terrible amount of heartache. He knew how we’d react. He knew I would cry and cry and cry for months. But, yet, He knew that some how, some way, we could make it through this and that He would receive glory out of this. Oh, how on these days, I pray that the Lord would always count me worthy of suffering to bring more fame to His name!

But, then I have days, like yesterday, where I cry to my husband how, “It just isn’t fair!”. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have whispered, uttered, moaned, cried, and flat out screamed that over the last 3 months. Then, I say things like, “My whole life, whenever things messed up around me, I still gave glory to God. I never ran from Him, even when it felt like He didn’t like me because of all the bad things happening. I did things right, the way you were supposed to, and here we are. This just isn’t fair!! I don’t know that I can keep ‘doing everything right’; this wasn’t supposed to happen.” And, yesterday, as I tried to fall asleep for a nap, I was quiet. I was still. And, the Lord spoke to me…

(no, not audibly…maybe more on that later)

“Jesus did everything right. And, what happened to Him, just wasn’t fair. But, He walked through it anyways. And, because of it, the world has never been the same. YOU have never been the same”

There was such a comfort at that. He really did. He did it all right. And, you know what? What happened, just wasn’t stinkin’ fair. But, there was more glory to God than ever given before.

Thank you, Father, for considering me worthy over and over again to bring glory to You.

“…that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death” Phil. 3:10

“Then they left the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name. And every day, in the temple and from house to house, they did not cease teaching and preaching Jesus as the Christ.” Acts 5:41, 42

I just realized it’s been a little since I’ve blogged. And, the insanity that surrounds the holidays can be blamed for that :o)

Before we got married, John and I decided that we would have Thanksgiving and Christmas alternate from year to year between both of our families. Last year, we spent Thanksgiving in Orlando and Christmas in Texas. So, this year was flip flopped. We headed out to my mom’s home on the coast (about an hour away) for Christmas week. It was fun to feel like we were getting away, but I was also pretty glad to make it back home to our own bed!

Because of everything that’s happened lately, this Christmas just felt a little different at first. I was supposed to be 21 weeks this Christmas. But, surprisingly, I only had one big cry fest during the day on Christmas Eve. I was really doing just fine in the beginning of the day and then, we went to Denny’s. What an unassuming place to have the start of my tear fest.

There I am. Eating my build your own grand slam, complete with chocolate chip pancakes. Mmmm, chocolate chip pancakes have always been my favorite breakfast! Well, that and biscuits and gravy. I mean, come on?? How can those two meals NOT be a favorite! Anyways, there I was and out of nowhere, everything hit me. It’s Christmas and I’m not pregnant. This Christmas was supposed to be sitting  by the tree and dreaming of what our little one on the way would look like. I can honestly say I wasn’t expecting for Christmas to be that hard. I felt like I had gotten through all of the big emotional landmarks until the due date hit, but I guess I was wrong.

But, after I balled my eyes out in the car on the way back home, I retreated to bed for a long nap. It is amazing how a little bit of sleep can make things somewhat better. And, from then on, I slowly got out of my funk and enjoyed the rest of the Christmas weekend! Including lots of after Christmas sales so we can actually have a decorated home next year, haha. I keep telling John, “I can’t wait for Christmas next year! I just want to set out all of our new decorations right now, even though I would have to put them away tomorrow!” But, I guess I can wait ;o)

I must admit, it’s a little weird going into 2010 so soon. It’s funny how I was only pregnant for 10 weeks and 5 days, but with that came a lot of dreams and plans for the future. It’s been tough to kind of switch that off and remind myself there’s not a baby on the way. It’s so crazy how in the grand scheme of life a couple of months is not long at all, but in such a short time, things can change so much. Before I walked through this, I never really thought I would be this affected by being pregnant for such a short time. Boy, was I wrong. Even though we don’t have a baby on the way anymore, may the Lord be glorified through us in the upcoming year of 2010!

How in the world did Christmas become only 9 days away?! I am sitting on the couch looking at our lovely first Christmas tree. That’s right, it’s a Charlie Brown Christmas tree! Yup, a few measly branches, a single red bulb ornament, and Linus’ light blue blanket covering the base. At first, I was not digging the idea of ANY Christmas tree in our apartment. The reality is that we were out of town for the first few days after Thanksgiving, then a few days after that we were housesitting, and now we’ll be heading to my mother’s for Christmas week. Therefore, who wants to spend money on a tree, ornaments, decorations to only see it for a day or two? And, let’s face it, I’ve been openly “bah humbug!”, so the idea of going through trying to decorate our teeny tiny apartment, just seemed ridiculous…all until my husband mentioned the idea of Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree! It was only $10, already had it’s decorations, and how cute to have the movie come to life (plus, I get to express my bah humbug-ness in a cute way). And, I justified my negative Nancy attitude with the fact that if the Lord does bless us in the future with some kiddos, it will be so fun to have the Charlie Brown Christmas tree and watch the movie with the tree right next to the television :o)

All of that to say after getting our little Christmas tree, I used a gift card and Christmas’d up our front door. John was so excited to have some Christmas decorations out and that’s ultimately why I did it all. The last few days I have had some precious time with my Jesus. And, in those moments, I have prayed that the Lord would really grow and instill in me the attitude of a Godly wife. What does that look like? What does it mean to outdo my husband with honor? How can I create a household in which he will always want to rush home?

One thing that has always stuck out to me from our wedding, was when our pastor, Keith Harmon, gave us both some tips of wisdom. One of those directed towards me was to never rush to defend my husband, but rather to always lift him up in prayer. I am sure that has saved me a lot of frustration already! But, today was one of those days where I spent extended time in prayer over him and over our marriage. I am so honored to get the chance to try and become the wife that he will always be head over heels for…especially when a lot of junky stuff is going on.

And, another thing that has stuck out a lot lately in my personal time with the Lord is the issue of contentment. I have always struggled with the idea that I am never 100% content with just the Lord alone. And, today it hit me, I won’t ever be this side of Heaven. I will have moments, like I did today, where nothing else but the Lord matters to me. But, unfortunately, I will never 100% feel that way all of the time here on earth.

Even though I can sit here today and tell you that I am a woman that has experienced a lot of dark trials in my life, including the hardest of losing my first baby, that Jesus is far greater and better than anything I could ever dream of in the universe. If my husband went home to be with the Lord tonight, or if we were never able to have children, or if one of us gets cancer, or if I get pregnant again, bring that baby in the world just to lose the child moments later, or if John loses his job…Jesus is still greater and the love of my life. He would still be worthy of praise in all of those things and He is worthy of praise right now. I cannot explain in words how much I really do love Him. And, because I do love Him that much, I long for the day when my love for Him never gets distracted by anything else.

One day, in Heaven, that love will be fulfilled to it’s true potential. There are moments in this latest trial, where Heaven has seemed more desirable just because of my baby and not because of my Jesus. But, the day will come where it’s not even possible to put anything above Jesus’ rightful place. May it be on earth as it is in Heaven…

Well, December has already involved some packing and unpacking with more coming our way! We are housesitting again this week and at the end of December (Christmas week) we’ll be headed to my mom’s house for the week. If there’s anything in the world I truly hate, it would be packing and unpacking. But, I survived the task for Thanksgiving in Texas with John’s family, so I am sure I can figure out a way to survive the rest of this month :o)

And, yes, you read correctly…we are housesitting again! We are housesitting at the same place we did in October. I had the miscarriage on Thursday, October 8th and that Sunday we were off to housesit! At first I was thinking that I just wanted to be home during that time, but in the Lord’s amazing plan, He allowed the housesitting to feel like a much needed escape. I am still so grateful that we had the 2.5 weeks here while I was recovering from my surgery…and it was free cable (which was an excellent distraction) and we got paid!!

This time around, we’re here for 7 days. Our first day was this past Saturday. I was the first one out of John and I to arrive at the house that morning. As soon as I walked in, I was amazed at how quickly I was transported back to two months ago. The smell of the house, random rooms where I collapsed on the floor crying, the bathroom where I took long showers wondering how I was going to make it through the rest of the day, the living room where I restarted my 30 Day Shred regimen trying to lose the few pounds and get the stress out, the pool that I stared at because I wasn’t allowed to go swimming because of the surgery, the kitchen where I heated up meals people gave us or made TV dinners for us because I didn’t have energy for anything more, etc etc etc

Wow.

I am one of those people that for some reason, I take a smell and instantly connect it to a memory. It can be something as simple as, thinking I am buying a new deodorant, applying it and instantly remembering it is the scent I wore while dating John. Then, before I know it, I remember the feeling of dating some cute guy named John ;o)

Or, it can be walking into the home that I tried to recover from my miscarriage in and the scent instantly takes me back to the despair of those few weeks following that extremely dark time. And, wow, was it dark.

And, once again, the Lord’s timing is perfect. I am so glad we’re here housesitting again. God has used it to show me how far He has brought us since October 8th. I am not quite sure that I would have ever realized how much God really has healed our hearts. Now, don’t get me wrong, He’s definitely not done yet. It is still very tender and it’s just going to take more time. But, I have gotten to a place where I can at least function throughout the day.

Today was one of my rougher days (since today was the 2 month mark) and I am still so much better off than I would have been 2 weeks afterwards. I was able to take care of the house and dogs today (which, the last time we here, John did most of everything). I was able to make a real dinner with a new recipe (and it turned out super yummy which was nice). I was able to even watch A Baby Story or two (on Discovery Health and/or TLC, my favorite channels that we don’t get at home since we don’t have cable!).

It’s been a very sad day. That’s the best way I can describe it, just sad. But, my adjectives two months ago would have been much more depressing. And, I do believe that I will always hold that this is just very sad. Therefore, I think I am finally settling into life post-losing your first child. I am figuring out how to live life when everyone else pregnant around me is finding out the gender of their child and I should know by now. I am learning how to accept that it’s just not a part of the story for my first baby and it never will be. And, somehow, that’s becoming okay.

Lord, hold my baby tonight!! And, let baby Phillips know that I am still in love and still miss my baby like crazy!

My two most favorite Christmas songs in the whole world are “O, Holy Night” and “Mary, Did You Know?”. I guess I have just always felt like they both capture all that was known and unknown that night. Both songs exhibit different emotions and thoughts of that special night in Bethlehem. Every time I hear either of these songs my brain and heart are immersed in thoughts of what that first Christmas must have looked like.

Every year I have always pondered on Mary at Christmastime. Maybe it’s because all of my years prior I have thought how insane it would be to find out you’re pregnant and have never even been intimate with a man! Haha. Seriously, think about it! And, this year…well, this year I am thinking about Mary’s role in a whole new light…

She carried Jesus in her womb for nine months. Nine long months Mary could have dealt with morning sickness, backaches, waking up in the middle of the night just because she had to pee, mood swings, a growing tummy, a chubby face, and to end the whole thing, excruciating pain to push out that baby! But, then, there He was…her baby. She could finally see what He looked like. She finally got to hold Him tight. He arrived the same as any other human, but at the same time, completely different.

Then, these men of prestige show up with some pretty kickin’ (might I add, expensive) gifts. I know what would have gone through my mind…”Um, how did you get the address of this manger?” Did reality set back in when these men came from afar to worship? Did she realize, “oh, that’s right, this isn’t just my baby”? Did she have a sense of overwhelming love for this baby that she waited nine months to see, just to remember that this child will have a purpose of no baby’s destiny before?

Mary, did you have any clue that your baby would one day help me to pick up the pieces of my broken heart?
Mary, did you know that the Son you carried in your womb for nine months and took care of for so many years, would one day take care of me when I had to peel myself off of an ultrasound table?
Mary, did you ever wonder if that tiny little baby of yours would heal the hearts of everyone that would turn to Him?
Mary, did you ever begin to understand that over 2000 years later there would be a girl strangely jealous that you got to hold your first baby and she never did?
Mary, did you know that you would be able to see that girl’s baby in Heaven before she ever got the chance to lay eyes on her child?
Mary, did it really hurt as bad as I’m imagining when they took your boy and hung Him on the cross?
Mary, how did you deal with the pain of those three days?
Mary, did you still hurt and miss Him even after you knew He conquered death?
Mary, did you ever think that people would actually come to love your precious baby as much as you did the night that you first laid eyes on Him?
Mary, did you know there would be a girl in Orlando, Florida on the evening of December 3, 2009 that could only find solace in the absolutely perfect baby that you bore into the world?

I think that every year I will always reflect on Mary and what it must have been like for her. But, I think that this year will always be the one that was a little bit different. I am so grateful that Mary was obedient to have that baby. I am so grateful that, even though it was tough, she knew that God had a plan for her child that she could never begin to grasp this side of Heaven. I think I can learn a lot from her this Christmas.

“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son.” Revelation 21:3-7
We read this passage one week to the day from when we miscarried the baby. We read this as our candle was lit in remembrance of our little one. It brought so much comfort and power that evening. But, then…
I never read it again. And, for a reason.
That reason was the simple fact that the idea of our baby being in Heaven was just a reminder that our baby will never be here with us.
One day I was looking for a Christian book about miscarriages. I came across a book that had all of these illustrations of a childlike appearing angel holding a baby all wrapped in white. And, the words that read on the pages sounded good, but were not Scriptural. Not only did that irritate me, but then I began to realize that those in Heaven get to see my baby before I do. They know if our child is a boy or a girl. And, that just irked me a little bit.
Okay, maybe it irked me to the point of screaming at the angels that could hear me…”You just fly on up to Heaven and report back that none of your types are allowed to hold my baby!! Only Jesus can and any family members of John and I!! That’s IT!” Then, I laughed at the fact that any angel assigned to me probably rolls their eyes on a regular basis at the bizarre things I scream. But, I meant it. And, hopefully there’s not an angel reading over my shoulder right now, because I probably still agree with that idea, hehe.
But, something has shifted over the last few days. The idea of no more weeping has taken on a whole new meaning.
Last night, I was telling John how, with each year, the older we get, there is so much more to weep about. Each year, you learn of somehow else diagnosed with cancer, another person losing their job, more funerals to attend, someone that used to be close to Jesus just walks away, more divorces, someone loses their baby, and the list goes on… Each year, there’s going to be more to cry about. The closer I walk with Jesus, the more opposition and therefore, suffering, I am going to face.
It’s funny how the more in love with Jesus you get, the more things seem to fall apart around you. And, if it wasn’t for that insane, growing love for my Savior, I would stay pretty mad at Him. My old camp pastor came to speak to the students about a month ago. I actually had an extremely rough couple of days and wasn’t even planning to go that night. But, he talked about doubting God. He talked about how the closer we get to Jesus, the easier it is to doubt Him. When you hear about all of those junky things I listed above, that you start to become hurt because you know the depth of the love of Jesus. And, that extreme, pursuing love of Jesus just seems totally opposite for Him to allow those bad things to happen. Then, he went on further to say, “Don’t let the unexplainable in life to cloud the undeniable about God.”
Sometimes, you just gotta step out on faith, even when you don’t want to.
And, here I am. Slowly (very slowly) slipping back into some sense of normalcy after all of this craziness of the last 2 months. I have an anticipation and appreciation of Heaven more than I ever have in my entire life.
I have done more weeping the last 2 months (heck, even this week!) than I have in my whole life. But, the Lord has reminded me these last few days, that one day, where my baby is waiting, that there will be no more weeping. Not a single stinkin’ tear. Not one more breakdown on a bathroom floor. No hurt. No pain. No more suffering.
A place where Jesus will be in His rightly exalted place. A place that my baby will have only known. A place that I long for now. If you asked me about Heaven a few years back, I probably would have said that I would like to get married, have kids, and live a little before I get there. Now, I greatly anticipate the place where I will finally get to see Jesus face to face. And, until I get there, I want to work on bringing as many people with me as I possibly can.
And, another thing I am working on, until I get there, is handing my husband, my baby, and any possible future babies into the care of Jesus. I need to be willing to love Jesus more than any of those people. I need to be willing to hand them right on over back to the One that created them, every single day of the rest of my life.
I follow the blog Bring the Rain (and I suggest you check it out) and she is currently pregnant after her last baby lived less than a full day. Her last post talked about her struggle in trusting the Lord right now. How she has tried to do this on her own, because the last time she let the Lord handle it, her baby didn’t make it. Wow, how tough is that? And, I am learning how to let the Lord handle things, even when I don’t want him to.
God allowed for my baby to only live in my womb a short while, before taking our little one to Heaven. And, I am now learning to accept that and actually be excited of the idea of some distant place of no more weeping. A place that my baby has experienced in full.
On this post-Thanksgiving weekend, I’m thankful for the opportunity to experience Heaven one day. And, I’m thankful for my new expectant heart to spend an eternity there! If you want more information on how I have the certainty of going to Heaven one day, please email me at jemarsz03@aol.com and I would love to chat about it more!

“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1:6-9 [emphasis mine]

The last several days I have been overwhelmed with a truth that seems to be such an elementary Christian principle…

God’s love. 

I’m not quite sure that I have ever felt this enveloped with His love as I have the last few days. As life hurries on by, I think about how I was supposed to be 17 weeks today, the holidays have somehow already shown up, and  how I had an awkward conversation with someone I bumped into that asked me extremely random questions about my miscarriage…I feel an insane sense of God’s pursuing love in a way I never have before. 

I think it all started with the lines of the same worship songs that I have been listening to over and over and over again this last month. I have needed songs to push me to Jesus when I sure as heck don’t feel like walking to Him. And, here’s what I’ve kept hearing…

“He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, 
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us” -David Crowder

This kind of love You’ve shown
There has never been a greater love
Than Your son
No, Not one” -Christy Nockels

Can an inanimate object, like a day, be stupid? Technically, probably not. Realistically, absolutely, especially if you’re talking about a day like today.

You know how one small thing can ruin a whole day? Whenever I’m out at a restaurant or holding a door for someone or whatever, I try to smile. I try to speak kind words. Now, a lot of times than not, I probably fail at this, but when I don’t know someone well, I try to be sweeter than my normal self. Mainly because I know that you never know what someone else is going through. I even remember doing my best to be sweet to the poor ultrasound lady that discovered our baby stopped growing. For some reason I’ve been thinking about this a lot the last few days, but I remember thinking how tough it must be for her to have to break that news to someone. And, I remember telling her thank you several times, hoping that even just a glimmer of Jesus could shine through in those horrendous moments.

Yesterday, I had my first dentist appointment in a million years. I was scared to death. Not about the pain, but about everything that they might found wrong with my teeth (which was only one small cavity, praise Jesus!). The dental hygienist and the dentist were so amazingly sweet and made me feel really comfortable. The lady (the hygienist) was so precious. She had no idea that I was in tears, missing my baby on the way to her office. She had no idea that the last month and a half have officially been the hardest of my life. Heck, she never even knew that my current non-pregnant looking body was actually pregnant last month. But, she was so sweet and really put me in a brighter mood.

Now, with moments like those, come the complete opposite. Moments where you are just trying to live your life and get through the day. Today was actually one of my better days. So, tonight I actually styled my hair and put on a cute outfit. Lately, I put on a cute outfit and do my hair to try and help myself pretend that I am doing better than I actually feel. But, tonight I really did feel just that confident.

Then, the awkward comment from someone that probably doesn’t even know I ran into another room to cover up my tears happened…

In my normal state of mind, I probably would have been annoyed at the conversation, but not duck for cover. But, instead, the most unsuspecting comments lately send me into tears over the actual thing or tears that I am not fully “back to normal” yet. I was just telling John the other day how I have never cried this much over something in my whole life. Part of that is probably because I normally don’t cry all that much and the other being that I really am just that sad. And, I feel like I have walked my share of sad times, but nothing quite as bad as this.

In so many different situations, while life buzzes around as normal, I feel like I want to stand up on top of a chair and scream that I’m not okay. I want to scream that even though I dress cute some days or that I make it out to social functions sometimes or that I drag myself to church when bed feels more comfy… I’m not doing all right. Sure, overall, I recognize that I am one blessed woman. Things could be so much more terribly worse than they are; I wholeheartedly know that. And, in some moments, I really am doing good. But, there are definitely moments, usually around other people, where I just feel desperate to explain to everyone that I miss my baby. But, the even more awkward part about all of that is, I don’t actually want to talk to them about it at all.

How weird is all of that? I am not even quite sure that any of it makes sense to my own self, let alone anyone else. I really do feel like I have no control over any of it. I still highly recommend C.S. Lewis’ “A Grief Observed”. In the second to last chapter, he talks about being on the other side of his grief; how he’s never going to be ‘over it’ but that he’s settled into a place of remembrance rather than piercing sadness. Then, at the end of that chapter, he writes about how all of that stuff was from yesterday and today life stinks again. I feel like I could have written that. If I wrote this blog earlier today, it would have been much more positive than this one. But, then tonight happened. Oh well.

And, in closing, I’ll answer the question that I’ve heard from a lot of people :o) I know you guys are wondering, so it’ll be much easier to just answer it here!

What’s in the future? Are you going to go back to school? Or you going to try to conceive? Or what in the world is going on?

As many of you already know, I was supposed to start nursing school at the end of this past August. We found out we were expecting about a week and a half before classes started. Therefore, we decided to not go forward with the schooling at this time because we both wanted me to stay at home with our baybay. Well, obviously things are different now. As of right now, John and I actually discussed in some detail about me going the med school route again. (I was about to take the MCAT when I decided I wanted to stay at home with a family one day instead, then began looking at nursing school). But, we are a no on med school for now and a maybe later for nursing school. I haven’t even looked into when I could go back to nursing school (like, if I would be put on a waiting list again). So, who knows, maybe one day on that! But, not anytime soon.

As for trying to conceive again, my body isn’t even 100% back to normal from the D&C yet. It pretty much is, but not completely. If you read my mind one moment, then read it again a few moments later, it’ll probably be two completely things. I am all over the place about that topic. And, therefore, I am probably not the most rational to make a decision on that quite yet. So, all of that to say, right now as I am typing this, I mourn my first child. I don’t desire for another pregnancy or some other child to ever fill the void of my first baby. That’s all I know for sure right now and that’s all I can tell you with any certainty of the future. Like I’ve said before, this was not just a pregnancy loss for us, this was a loss of our child. Just like we had no idea what the future held the day we found out our baby stopped growing, we have no idea what the future holds now!

We love all of you and thanks for the continued prayers! I could really use them right now, it’s been awfully crazy lately. But, more than anything, I am looking forward to eating like crazy over Thanksgiving break with John’s family :o)